Thursday, June 4, 2009


"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them." ~Meridith Grey on Grey's Anatomy

I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately, about the little decisions I make everyday. And I make so many of my choices based on one thing. Safety. I am not a risk-taker. To someone who doesn't know me very well, I may have the appearance of being unafraid and strikingly independent.

But really, I hold myself back so much. I don't like failure. Who does really? I don't try for things if I think I might not be able to make it, and I really don't want to miss out on simply living life, in all of it's craziness because it's easier to stay back behind the lines I've drawn for myself, back where it's safe and I know I'll be successful. At this point, I don't have many regrets, just nagging questions occasionally...

...and this is just a sampling of the what-ifs that take me by surprise sometimes. I don't have any serious regrets...yet. I'm just afraid that if I keep worrying so much about risk management, I'll miss out on what's coming next. I'll end up very safe.

Safe isn't always what you want.

I feel like I've got so much more to learn about myself. I want to be ready. But am I ready? Will I ever be ready? Relationships are messy, but feeling love, or even heartbreak for that matter, is an honest assurance that you're living, that you're putting yourself out there.

I don't like messes. I like for things to be easily identifiable and organized with little labels that make for easy filing. I like to be in control. I like to know that everything will be ok.

I am very lucky. I haven't had to face many serious difficulties in my 28 years on this earth. My life has just moved right along. I've done everything I was supposed to with just enough variation to make my experiences memorable and unique. But now, I feel like I'm entering a phase of sameness, of routine.

I'm not a drama queen. But sometimes, a little drama (preferrably the positive type that ends happily) is necessary. How do I rescue myself from the neat, little life I've made without completely turning it upside-down? Because I DO like my life. I really am doing that I want to be doing. I just feel like I'm not LIVING it. I feel like I've organized and labeled myself out of my own happiness.

And I'm not even entirely sure what that means. I just know that I need a change.

Something has to change.

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