Saturday, January 2, 2010


"There are two tragedies in life: one is to lose your heart's desire, the other is to gain it." -- George Bernard Shaw

Yes, losing your heart’s desire is tragic. But gaining your heart’s’s all you can hope for. This past year, I wished for just that. To immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic…then give me tragedy. Because, I wouldn’t give it back for the world.

I have a dear friend (Yes you - Porchman) who left a comment on one of my blogs that said "Now I can better put my finger on why I luz you so much, Truds...Underneath that good-looking shell is a philosopher." And thanks to him I realized that I haven't been keeping track of myself the way I used to. A few know just how very important the upcoming year is to me with regard to goals - and just how important staying on track is. I find it cliche to make a New Years resolution - I'm more about making a promise to myself.

I've let my original plans slip - with regard to the whole reason I started this blog - my 40oz of Freedom blog. And in almost 6 months I've barely did a single thing on that list. You see like most human beings I have issues. I have issues leaving something unfinished. I have issues not doing what I said I was going to do. I have issues with feeling like a failure. But at the same time I have issues with waiting until the last minute to do things too. And all of these issues have been magnified in doing this list.

In the end though, I reviewed the list and everything I have on there I still want to do, so I am leaving it the same.

If I don't cross some of them off by my 40th birthday, oh well. It's not the end of the world. But I am still going to try my best to get them done! And I may even add a few.

Right now my focus is on #1- Get in the Best Shape of my Life. I don't necessarily want to lose any weight as I am currently 134lbs of ordinary. And yes ladies - I just said my actual weight. What I'm more concerned with is being a healthy 134lbs of ordinary. Weight doesn't dictate everything, but it is an indicator. It's an indicator of how I am living my life and the things I am able to do- like run, hike, lift, jump, and throw.

I recently received an email in reference to my blog that criticized the fact that I had once claimed to love to write, and had began this blog, only to let it fall by the wayside. The first reaction I had was to defend myself. Even though I knew what this person was saying is true, I wanted to explain why I had fallen short of their expectations and give a long list of excuses to justify myself.

The good thing is that we are all in this together. Everyone has something they struggle with. No one is perfect and if you think you are, then you are in denial. You may not have the same struggles I do, but everyone falls short in some way. Realizing that is what helps keep me humble and understanding of others. All I ask for is the same forgiveness and understanding from others.

But I have to remind myself understanding and forgiveness is not acceptance. I can’t just realize my faults and then keep on doing them and never change. Albert Einstein said insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. It would be like a murderer who confesses, asks for forgiveness, but then goes out and does it again. It’s an extreme example, but it’s basically the same thing. I can't just accept my shortcomings and expect others to as well.

So even though it’s not easy to hear, I am thankful for the criticism. It’s like medicine on a cut- it stings, but in the end, it helps. Thanks for the motivation.