Thursday, July 23, 2009

I Shut Up and Went and Blogged

Recently, I read a blog about a person's "representative" -- that side of ourselves we show in the early days of dating. It started me thinking about those relationship bombs we drop later on in a relationship. Things it's not necessary to say on the first date...but things that really do need to come out at some point.

Then there are things you never, ever tell anyone. Little secrets you keep tucked away inside. You fear they'll no longer love you if you reveal these things so you never do. But the secrets drive a wedge between you.

Say, for example, you were molested as a child. That's DEFINITELY not something you let someone know on a first date. But do you ever reveal it? Is it need-to-know information? Probably because, like it or not, it has an impact on who you are today and why you behave the way you do.

Then there's the STD question. I had a guy once complain to me about a woman telling him, in the middle of dinner on the FIRST date, that she has herpes. His complaint? It ruined his appetite. Of course, he never went out with her again but I had to ask him, "Wouldn't you rather her tell you up-front than six or seven dates in, when you were really starting to like her?" In fact, maybe they should just insert that into people's online dating profiles. STDs? "Will tell you later."

Sometimes we drag too much out onto the table on the first date. "Do you want kids?" "Why are you divorced?" "Have you ever been arrested?" None of those conversations feel comfortable in the first hour of meeting but if you don't discuss it then, when DO you discuss it?

I once knew a man, very religious, who met a very religious woman. They fell in love. She was a virgin and she ASSUMED he was. After all, in her little world that was what good Christian boys did -- wait for marriage. He didn't realize for a while she was assuming that about him and once he did, he didn't have the heart to correct her. So it went on... And on... And on... Next thing I knew, they were engaged. He still hadn't told her.

By that time, I reasoned, it was just "too late." If he told her then it could completely destroy his relationship because the problem was, he'd been hiding it all along.

Which was the same as lying.

And if he'd lie about that, what else would he lie about?

Could she ever trust him?

(Yes, women DO think that way!)

My point is, most of us hold a little of ourselves back in the beginning. We show our best face, hoping the person won't see through to the messes we are inside. But then, the day comes when we have to reveal the monster that lurks within.

The problem is, at that point the person has just one question: "Why didn't you tell me this before?"

Before WHAT? You were still getting to know each other. You didn't feel comfortable revealing your deepest, darkest secrets to them until you realized you were in love. You now trust him/her enough to show this side of yourself but she's feeling... Deceived. Especially if your secret is one that would make most women run. Like your addiction to midget porn. Or your penchant for wearing her underwear after she leaves for work.

Once she loves you, she'll have a harder time walking away because of it, even if it's something she has major issues with. If you'll agree to counseling, there might be hope, but otherwise... Well...

She may just leave you anyway.

At what point in a new relationship should major things be brought out into the open? Think of it from the perspective of the person receiving the bombs and the person dropping them. Six weeks? Six months? A year?

And then wait for the explosion.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

First, Second, Third

I'm not one to read books that other women typically thrive on. I don't do fictional romance novels, or the like. I will read a Nicholas Sparks book every now and then, but it is no way like the greatest thing since sliced bread.
In a state of desperateness the other night at work, I read one sitting around on the back shelf. While I will skip most of the stupidness, at one point, a girl makes the statement to a guy who is in love: There are three kinds of love. Love, Big Love, and Great Love.

Love, you get over in two months or so. It stings, but not too much. Big Love might take you two years to really get past if it ends. But Great Love, you don’t get over. And really, it only happens once. If Great Love is rejected, you really can only move on, and find the one you love second most.

She also says that if you have to move on from that one Great Love, then it becomes too late. Once the book is closed, it can't be reread.

Love is certainly far too grand and mysterious of a thing to wrap it all up in one simple line from a book. But I think there may actually be something to this.

We have all been in love before in some form. Most of us have probably experienced different intensities when loving someone in a romantic sense. Some, you might love like a dusting of snow, that melts easily enough once a little heat comes along as the day starts. It was real enough, but didn’t and maybe couldn't go anywhere.

Sometimes we have a love that we really did invest in, and really did have something with, maybe had a real shot with. The kind that can really rattle you when you suffer its loss. The kind that can leave you needing a year or two alone just to settle your heart and find healing.

Then there’s that one.

That one who achieved a level, a depth with you that no one else will ever achieve. That one who is elevated above any other, in our hearts. Whether you had 10 lovers, or 20, or 50, or however many times you were “in love”... whether you ended up getting married, or no matter what, that ONE who affected you in a way that no one else ever will, or ever could.

How sad it is, when we are somehow unable to retain that one? When somehow they got away, or you screwed it up, or however it went, that they are simply gone from you.

It is sad, to be with that person you love second-best, although it’s not a total disaster. That doesn’t mean you would love that person in some lame or crippled way. It could still be really great. And if it lasted, maybe that ONE that holds that highest place in your heart, would eventually fade into a place of less importance, even though they might never lose that status in your heart.

To discover someone who makes your heart soar like no other, and not just for the attraction or great sex, or how they make you feel. The purest appreciation for who they really are, and the way they appreciate you or understand you as well - both of you with the ability to express it beautifully. To find someone you admire and adore beyond anyone you ever have or ever could...

The one you would offer your very best to, or break any rule for, or make any sacrifice.

It can become even more intense just because you know this. You know this isn’t some attraction, some light dusting of snow. You know this isn’t someone you just love or care about, yet knowing that the relationship is flawed underneath and will most likely or quite possibly have to end one day.

But to finally say THIS ONE I can finally invest everything in. This one, I don’t have to hold back some part of me... can be such a relief, such a joy, that the loss can almost become something you don’t want to survive.

It’s hard, too, when you discover that you married or had children with someone who doesn’t hold that high place in your heart, either because no one ever has, or because you gave up and quit on great love, and just went to do whatever, even trying to tell yourself it was a stupid pursuit anyway, or that it doesn’t exist.

I have been in love before. I have said I love you when I knew it was just the feeling of the moment. I have said I love you to someone who I knew I didn’t love fully. I have said I love you, and meant it, down to the very core of my being, and with my deepest heart.

Have you lost that one, and now can only hope for something that gets close? Or, does the future hold one that would surpass everything else, and be that really great love, and surprise you, after you had resigned to having lost the one you once loved the most? Is it possible to re-open the book on the one you lost, if they reappear? Possible for your heart to soar as it once did?

Is your great love in your past? Are they in your midst right now? Are they in your future?

Monday, July 13, 2009

Well Isn't That Special

For some reason people have put sex in a category of being something "special" that happens between two people. The insane part of that is you are letting someone else define whats
special to you. Will you QUIT doing that please?

There are no acts that are inherently special.

Special is defined by the people involved in the act.

Of course, sex CAN be special and intimate, but so can thousands of other acts.

Sitting on a tailgate drinking a beer can be special.
Taking a bubble bath can be special.
Sitting down to dinner can be special.
Being a dominatrix can be special to the right person.
All depends on the person.

Stop letting OTHER people define things for YOU.

Just because someone started the rumor 2000 years ago that says sex is joining of souls and
reserved for love and marriage doesnt mean thats a fact, you are once again allowing someone
ELSE to define acts for YOU.

Sex is exactly what you make it, YOU define sex.

Sex can be out of frustration. Sex can be from love. Sex can be intimate. Sex can be for
recreational fun. Sex can be just for excitement. Sex can be just because you felt like it.
But the constant that does not change is, its for pleasure.

People make such a huge deal about sex. "You two had sex and you just met, you are

Really? Explain why.
Ok, sex is reserved, its special, its for when you really get to know each other.
No, actually the only definition for sex is: to engage in sexual intercourse, so where are
you getting your definition of the intent behind it?

Well, thats MY intent for sex, you say?

Ok, and again what does YOUR intent for sex have to do with everyone else?

I hear people say God invented sex to be special, and to alot of people He did.

But to many of these same people, haven't you lied on your taxes for 6 years in a row? So basically, once again, ignore the parts of the Bible that aren't convenient for your life and follow the ones that are?

Do not judge me due to YOUR or GOD's definition of sex. Do you realize how simple minded that makes you?

To me, by itself sex is a physical act for pleasure, just like a massage. It in no way
physically or emotionally changes the make up of your mind or body after you have sex. You
do not have a limited amount before they are all gone. If you did then yes you
would need to be strategic. If you had a Bank of say, 300 times, then you might want to save those for special times, but since you dont, why not use them?

Because you think that will make you have a reputation? Really? Engaging in a consensual act for pleasure that you enjoy will actually lower the way you think of yourself? Are you that fragile? Is the foundation for your self esteem really that weak?

Yes I am aware that chemicals are released in the brain during sex that can lead to
attachment, etc. Those are also released when you eat cotton candy or get a new puppy. That excuse is used up.

But sex is so much better if you are in love, you say?

I agree, but pizza from a brick oven in Italy is also better than Pizza Hut, but you dont see
a shortage in people eating there, do you? This excuse is also played out. We accept 2nd, 3rd, , and 18th best ALL the time in our life. We operate in a state of mediocrity, but now you are
going to tell me you arent going to have sex because its better if you are in love?

So NOW you decide to only accept the best?

Guess what, 3rd best sex is still really really really good.

There doens't have to be butterfly kisses, or heart shaped cards or joining of souls.

It can be an act of pleasure because that's what you choose to make it.

I feel sorry for you for letting such a special and monumental act become so meaningless to you, you say?

Actually if anyone should feel sorry for anyone it should be feeling sorry for you. You are letting a 2000 year old rumor keep you from enjoying life. But to each their own - keep on bottling up and suppressing your natural desires. Sounds healthy!

It will never mean anything to you if you keep this up, you say?

Really? Now you are predicting my feelings in the future too? Wow, you are amazing. Are people so dumb that they cannot control their emotions or intent behind acts? Are we really all in auto pilot mode? The double standard is complete bs and if you give in to it you are a weak simple
minded follower. PERIOD.

If you are a woman and feel like having sex, then have sex, its that easy. If you are a man and feel like having sex, then have it. Now this doesn't mean you have to go around telling your business or someone else's all over God's green Earth. You need to reevaluate why you're needing sex if you're doing it to make yourself feel like a bigger person.

So, tell me, without quoting what someone else told you was the intent behind sex, why sex is different than a massage? They are both physical acts that bring pleasure.

Also dont take the easy way out and bring up STD's. That completely goes against the point of this blog and you know it. But yes, engaging in sex for pleasure will increase your chance to get an STD even with a condom. Any more basic facts you want to bring up, Captain Obvious?

I'm not condoning mindless intercourse. I'm simply saying we live in a world that's scared to talk about it. And until we live in reality, teen pregnancy, STDs, and even broken relationships will increase because we as a society don't know how to handle it. If you can't talk about sex, how on earth do you expect to solve half these problems? I have friends who can't talk about sex without blushing, but have been doing it for years? How do you have meaningful sex or otherwise when you're too embarrassed to talk about it? A little immature I think...

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Good grief

I just got into a huge disagreement with a very dear friend of mine. Well, huge on their end, because, well, I simply can’t help the person I am, not will I change it.

I am a very un-emotional girl. Now, that doesn't mean that I don't have my moments, I mean I have bad days just like the next girl. But I handle mine in very different ways. I rarely cry, and usually when I do cry it is because I am mad. I don't gush over hallmark cards or romantic comedies. I do love babies and puppies but it's more of a "wow look how cute that puppy is, let me go smash his face into mine and shove my fingers in his mouth and let him nibble on me" rather than aaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!

I don't mean to come across this way; I swear I don't. I am just not the type of person to randomly make chit-chat with people. I don't even ever call my best friend that often. Ask him, he'll tell you. If he is in instant messenger I might send him a quick line, or I might shoot him a text to see what his plans are, but I definitely don't ever call just to chat about life.

I'm just not that person. I am very self-involved and very task-oriented. I work under the assumption that if someone needs me they will let me know. But from some people’s point of of view, I come across as if I don't care or am not excited about what is going on in their life. This is a problem I run into often. I forget that people don't just need help with tasks, but that they also need that personal touch. A text, a phone call, some sort of indication that you are there and listening and interested.

If you show me a picture of something beautiful, I will in my head think “Wow, that is beautiful,” but outwardly I will probably just nod my head and smile. I am just not a gusher; I don't squeal and tear up over the normal mess that girls get all giggly over. And there is nothing wrong with girls who are that way. In fact, sometimes I wish I was that way because then maybe I would fit in better with women. I end up with all guy friends because I get uncomfortable around typical girly things. I just don't do emotions well. And as great as it is for business and work, it sucks when it comes to those I care about.

So I may not be emotional, and I may not be touchy-feely, and I may end up inadvertently hurting people I care about due to my lack of mush, but I can make up for it in my own little non-gushy ways. At least I hope so...

Saturday, July 11, 2009

The Truth About Sex and Women

Men, before you read this, go get a pencil and a piece of paper. Seriously. You'll want to take notes on this one.

*ahem* So let's talk about SEX. Those three little letters that are at the bottom of just about everything that humans do. Even the prudes must admit that sex determines a lot in their lives. Sex is what drives men to do anything that involves a woman. Sex is what women use to accomplish things. Sex is what we all love and enjoy, but (for some) rarely talk about.

So yay for sex and vaginas and penises. Let's all roll around and be happy.

Uhhhh, let's not. First of all, 90% of men are doing it wrong. Yea, that's right---I SAID IT. Most men don't give women what they really want. Truth be told, women like to be man-handled just as much as men like to do the man-handling. They just don't talk about it. Well, at least not to YOU. They talk about it to each other, but they will never admit it to the person they are sleeping with.


Because it's awkward and messy and too risky. So women just deal with the average sex to get to the rest of you. So what do women really want? We want movie sex. We want to be thrown against the wall, attacked, roughed up a little bit, ie. 9 and a Half Weeks. Look, when a guy goes crazy on you, I mean, like CRAZY, breathing hard and tearing at your clothes like he's going to absolutely DIE if he doesn't have you in the next 5 seconds, it makes us feel powerful.

And if anyone understands how much of an aphrodisiac power is, it's men, right? Knowing that you want us so bad you just can't wait another second makes us feel sexy, and making a woman feel sexy is half the battle, guys.

Are you getting all this down?

Now, I know there are the prude girls who will probably read this blog that go something like this, "Well, I like it when my man romances me, gets me in the mood slowly, lights a candle, puts on some Jewel, blahblahblah."

Gag me. Get the hello off my blog. Go read someone else crappy lies. I like to keep it real over here. That mess might be fun once in a blule moon, perhaps on an anniversary here and there, but for everyday, that is just annoying.

Be with her like she is the sexiest woman on Earth - like you absolutely cannot stand to be in the same room with her and not be naked - like everything she does in bed makes you crazy, and you will have a HAPPY woman. And you will get laid. A lot.

Ladies? What do you think? Here is your chance to speak up. I'm a chick. I talk. A lot. One of my bffs, Eli, knows things about me that no man does, or ever will. And you know what? Every girl has that person that she discusses this with. And sweet, romantic, slow sex might get you brownie points, but crazy, rough, porn star sex will get you sooooo much more.

That is the kind of sex that makes her sit at her desk the next day grinning from ear to ear and using every bit of her strength to not text you to come to her right that second and do it again. That is the kind of sex that we can't wait to tell our friends about. That is the kind of sex that will get you bragged on for days. So give it to her. Be original. Get creative. Get dirty. Don't be scared. Just try it.

Now, for those of you that are in one of those pesky'll have to handle this tactfully. If you just attack her the next time you see her, she will wonder what changed. So ask her. Just say "Hey let's get drunk and play like porn stars tonight." (Or whatever way you talk to her) That little princess that cooks for you and folds your laundry and giggles at dirty words can turn into Pamela Anderson on Ecstasy if you give her the option. You can tell her all day long that she makes the best Spaghetti on Earth, but the minute you tell her that she ***** you better than anyone else ever has, you will automatically improve your life ten-fold.

The more you tell her how good she is, especially DURING the act, the more comfortable and experimental she will get. So speak up, boys. Don't be shy.... Just go crazy on her. Every girl has it deep down in her somewhere, but she will never willingly bring it out. That is entirely up to you.


Look, everyone knows that guys like freaks in the bedroom. But we girls get scared to be that way because we don't want to be put into the "freak" category straight out of the gate. And we don't want to freak YOU out or scare you. Especially right off the bat. So most of the time, we just go along with whatever you do. So if you want the freak to come out, and you want to lay there out of breath and wondering why the room is spinning when you haven't even had a drink, take my advice. Seriously.

Talk to her, see how she responds. Ask her about her fantasies. Tell her the things you want to do to her and then DO THEM. Trust me. You will be greatly rewarded. (If you need some inspiration, go listen to Closer by NIN. OMG. )

This has been my public service announcement for today. Go, my little dears, and have FUN with it!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

What I Need From a Man

As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a man what can you do for me that I can't do for myself? What can you bring to the table?

I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life.

I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man. I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don't need a financial burden. I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game-playing are not my idea of a strong man. I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader, priest and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God. I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy. And by the way, I am not looking for him...He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. He may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me. God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself.

I'm asking alot I know.

But I'm worth a lot.

Do You Have A Receipt for That?

When Carrie Fisher was a baby, her father, Eddie Fisher, left her mother, Debbie Reynolds for Elizabeth Taylor. A few years after they married, Taylor dumped Fisher. He hurt after the loss of his Elizabeth and still, according to his daughter, thinks of her as the "Great love of his life." In a cruel twist of irony, Elizabeth thinks of him as a "mistake."

This blog isn't about the romantic escapades of Hollywood. It's about the irony of one person pining away for someone who spends the rest of her life regretting the time she spent with that person. If I, personally, knew someone thought of me as a mistake, you can bet your butt I'd be rethinking how I remembered him. But then, I don't spend my life pining over someone from my past.

In the movie Adaptation (which if you haven't seen is awesome), a character said something that struck me hard. I've searched for the quote since and can't find it, but in short, the character was speaking of a girl he loved in high school who basically thought of him as a joke. Someone asked if that bothered him and he said no. That was HIS love, he said. HIS happiness. No one could take that away from him.

Is it pride? Maybe.

I just have never been much for unrequited love. Sure, in high school I had my fair share of crushes on boys who barely knew I existed. Nor did they care. I had fun while it lasted but you can bet, once I finally opened my eyes and realized I was nothing more to them than a nuisance, I high-tailed my behind out of there.

All the time I see people pining over someone from years ago. My mom is a classic example. Ah, the "one that got away." It's clear, when you talk to these people, that the object of their affections has moved on. In most cases they're married, had a kid or two, and isn't giving them a second thought. If they are, it's certainly not to wax poetic about what "might have been."

Remembering that high school crush or that ex-spouse they lost...

Is it wrong for someone to spend so much time and energy on someone who either thinks of you as a mistake or doesn't think of you at all? Or is it as the character in Adaptation said?

It's your love. YOUR happiness. No one can take it away from you.

"You are what you love, not what loves you." -Adaptation

Quote of the Day

When defeat comes, accept it as signal that your plans are not sound. Rebuild those plans and set sail once more toward your coveted goal. - N.Hill

Never See It Coming...

Why is it that the nicest people often fall for the meanest? Is it yin and yang? Is it that weak people need strong to pull them through? We don't seem to notice as much when the woman is a doormat and the man is the jerk. Maybe it seems natural, since women are nurturers. What does seem odd is the hen-pecked man who just ducks into a corner and takes it...

I'm constantly hearing men complain that they can't seem to find a nice woman. Time after time they become interested in someone, only to find they've quickly entered the dreaded FRIEND ZONE. There's a reason for that. Nice guys are great. They really are. But there's a difference between a nice guy...and a guy with low self-esteem.

Ladies, YOU know what I'm talking about. Having self-confidence doesn't mean treating people like crap. You can have self-confidence and be a generally nice person. The problem for us women comes when a man can't seem to make a decision. He has no backbone. He's a complete wimp.

And, inevitably, guys like that end up with women like this:

Women who beat them down...daily. Why? Because overbearing women love guys like this. They deliberately seek them out. But, even worse...these women treat these men like this because they CAN. They make their men change who they are - from who they like to what they do on a day to day basis.

People take offense at the term "you train others how to treat you," but it's true. Whether it's a friend, co-worker, employee, or someone you're dating, the beginning days of your relationship are experimental. A controlling woman pushes a man as far as she can before he puts his foot down. If he lets her walk all over him, in time she loses respect for him...and the treatment gets worse.

Women like that give good women a bad name. These men eventually come to the conclusion that all women are nagging, bossy hags and give up on love altogether. What they don't realize is the problem isn't the women...the problem is the choices they're making.

The problem is that, until each and every one of them grow a pair, they will continue to only attract women who are looking for doormats.

It's just tough the rest of us to watch.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Quote of the Day

God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you NEED. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be.

Love Isn't a Contract

Tonight I was talking to a friend of mine and he was telling me all about these two girls he is dating. One is very cool and aloof and the other is head over heels in love with him and is demanding a "status." She started pressuring him straight out of the gate to be her "boyfriend", despite his very clearly made wishes to keep it casual and friendly. Now this girl isn't a child, or helpless, or desperate. In fact, she is a very successful and attractive girl who could probably get that "status" she so desperately desires from my friend from any number of males without even trying. Yet she pines for him - the one who just wants to maintain having his own life and his own space.

I see this kind of crap every where I go. Someone gets all jacked up after a date or two and they immediately try to cateogrize their emotions. People feel comfortable with categories. They are comfortable with a status. They want that shiny little badge of honor to proudly display for all to see. Because if they don't get that status or that title, and you are free to do whatever you want, you just might *gasp* find something better.

It's ridiculous. Love is not a freaking contract people. Having an attraction to someone doesn't automatically make them YOURS. It doesn't give you the right to make decisions about their life. You are setting yourself up for failure. And why would you want to control someone else anyway? Is it really all that great to have a puppet, rather than a partner, who is capable of individual thought and actions, separate from your own? Why would you not want someone who challenges you, stimulates you, or encourages your individuality? Where is the growth in being someone else's pretty little pet to display?

Love is an emotion. It is an attraction to another person. It is not a contract. Learn to be capable of loving someone else without any kind of expectations of their returned feelings for you, and your status with them and life becomes a lot easier to navigate. It's not that hard once you learn to individualize yourself and stop projecting your feelings onto others. Love can be a beautiful thing if you just let it happen and enjoy it rather than spend every ounce of your energy worrying about whether you are getting it in return. Self-sustainment takes practice though, and unfortunately the majority of people would rather bounce from person to person in life, letting them fill that void rather than learn how to function as a true individual.

I feel a little better now, so I am going to finish this. This blog wasn't meant to be about committment, it was meant to be about holding back someone from their happiness. Stifling another person. Too many people believe that because someone loves you that means that they are bound to you with a certain set of rules. You are never supposed to find anyone else attractive, or appealing in any way. It just doesn't vibe with me.

I've always told anyone I've ever been with, if they ever wanted anyone else, to go for it and not worry about my feelings. Why? Because I would never want to force anyone to be with me. It just doesn't make any sense. Why would you want to hold someone back from something that could potentially make them happy? That is selfish and unfair. Now this doesn't mean it would be a smooth transition, but I honestly would try to make it as smooth as humanly possible. There is just no reason to hold a grudge against someone else for wanting to move on with their lives.

It happens. It's growth.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Why Can't Good People Catch a Break?

Sometimes asking the right questions is as important as being brutally honest with the answers. They tell us that if you pray to God that you will eventually get what you pray for. Others tell us that there is some unseen flow called karma that ensures doing good will cause good to return, and that bad will lead to bad. It’s very easy to want to believe such things.

However, some have questioned how a God could allow tragic events to happen to good people. Personally, I know of enough bad things happening to good people to question this thing called karma. If the rules of the game are not fair, then why would you want to stick to the rules? I’ve been struggling with this question for years, and now I think I’ve seen enough to take on an honest attempt to answer this question.

Life’s Not Fair

At one time I was an extreme optimist, but life has battered me down enough times to temper this optimism down a bit. I try to balance being an optimist with being a realist, but sometimes I find myself being quite pessimistic. The more that I live and see what life can do to people and what it already has done, sometimes I question the notion of karma, or simply question the goodness in people.

I have a friend who is the most wonderful woman. She's kind, caring, and beautiful. And she's one of the FEW genuinely sweet people left in the world. And more than anything, she wants to start a family of her own. And each time she gets close, it seems like her world is turned upside down and her heart breaks again. And I just want to punch the person in the face who did it. But instead, she smiles, tells them she's happy for them, and cries on the inside. And I'm tired of seeing her hurt. It's not fair.

What about those in life who may not be happy with the cards they've been delt? Maybe they aren't happy where they are in life, but they muddle through each day because people in their life depend on them. They continue to do the right thing by other people, and suck up their misery for the sake of another person's happiness. They pour themselves into some aspect of their life, so they can try to forget that they aren't truly happy with the way their life has turned out...

There are people out there who cheat, steal, lie, and do various other evil things and never so much as bat an eye. And then there are those who sacrifice what would make them happy in life, simply because it's the right thing to do.


I have seen many people who were once good individuals, but the unfairness of life has jaded them and influenced them to be the kind of people that they are now. I do sincerely believe that we all have some inherent good in us, but sometimes it’s difficult to keep that good in us when bad things happen. Sometimes there are events that happen to us that we don’t deserve and can’t control, but we can control how we respond to them.

Why do bad things happen to good people? Because it helps them to see how to make this world a better place. Because that’s what separates the truly good people from those who only think they are good people. Bad things happen to good people because it is a necessary part of making a good person great.

Knowing this is what helps get me through each day.

Dogs Are More Loyal

When I was growing up, I had no choice but to grow up fast…not for the same reasons most did – like both parents working, etc. Oh, no. My childhood couldn’t have been that normal. My parents divorced when I was around nine, although the actual year evades me. (And I tell my psychiatrist their divorce didn’t affect me. Coincidence?)

My mother left my father and immediately moved in with another man. Now this may sound like she left him FOR this other man, but that was simply not the case. No – as with everything else, it couldn’t be that simple. But I’ll leave that for another blog.

For those of you who actually know me, you all know I dealt with some major issues in my past - from losing loved ones to not having a clue of what a normal relationship should look like. And most times I think all of this made me stronger than the average kid, but at the same time, it made me weaker too. I think at that period in my life I needed love more than ever, but I never got it in any way.

Sure. When I was very little my mom was awesome. However, after the divorce, my mother became a mere shadow of the woman she once was. But even before then – I was never my mother’s little girl. I was always her best friend. When I was little there were no hugs and kisses goodnight. No trips to the park or movies. No little moments. I was too busy being the one my mother confided in. Cried to. Lived through and not for.

And then after she moved in with what would one day become my stepfather, things only got worse. But again – that’s another blog in itself.

I learned only one thing from being raised by my mother. I WOULD BECOME THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF HER. I would make sure that my kids knew how much they meant to me and how much I loved them. I wouldn't verbally abuse them or make them feel like they were a burden for simply being there.

My mother thrives on the saying, "You don't appreciate anything we do for you." Bull shit. I appreciated all the times I got to listen to you complain about how your life was nothing like you wanted. If for no other reason that it meant I got to spend time with my mother. But ALL I wanted was some love and affection!!!

I was an only child until I was 14 and my mom had NO CLUE how to show love to me. As a matter of fact, she still doesn't. She'll never learn what it really means to be a good mom. Her window of opportunity slammed shut YEARS AGO. I started moving away from home when I was about eleven years old to stay with my dad. Living with him was the closest thing to what I knew to be a “normal family.” My mom was happy to have me gone too, that is until she’d realize that meant her child support would be cut out. And then she’d come to me crying about how she missed me, and me finally thinking she was going to be a real mom, would move back in. Back then I was too young to realize people don’t change.

And now this woman is claiming that I’ve changed since I got married?? That I no longer want to here about her escapades? That just once it would be nice if my mother called ME to ask how her grandchildren were doing. Or to take ANY sort of interest in MY life.

And then tells me this makes me a bad daughter. The daughter who has been her ONLY friend for YEARS. The one who takes money away from her own family to help her buy Cigarettes. Who buys her sister’s school supplies, pays her mom’s car insurance, and does with out just to be able to help her mom ONE LITTLE BIT MORE.

Well fine, I will give myself the Bad Daughter Award then...

I don't think that making my kids face the wall for doing something wrong is a crime, is it?? Or occasionally popping them on the butt with your hand? If it is, then I am guilty as charged. I was certainly never put in a corner as a child. I got spankings with a belt for not wanting to give my allowance money my dad gave me to my stepdad to buy groceries. And hours of “prayer meetings” from midnight until just before it was time to go to school. Or yelled out because I would wake my mom up to ask her if she’d get up to DRIVE ME TO SCHOOL. Oh, and lets not forget my stepdad throwing me up against a wall or two. And I am the bad mom? *rolling eyes*

I remember visiting my dad often as a young girl; he would ALWAYS hug me, kiss me and tell me he loved me. And don’t get me wrong – my mom said them too. But it always seemed like it was said with another agenda in tow.

I am sure some of you, as my readers, have had some bad experiences in your families as well. I can only imagine the amount of pain that we collectively have dealt with in our lives.

I haven’t spoken to my mother in just over two months now. Well, since the first of May. Long story short, she came over to my house to use the Internet to check to see if a MAN had emailed her, and while there tells me that my sister have her dad (my former stepdad AND drug head I might add) the 80.00s I had paid her to babysit that week. After telling my mom that my sister would not be babysitting for me again if she was going to give her dad the money, my mom got angry with me.

FOR TAKING UP FOR MY SISTER. And has the never to tell me that I’M HATEFUL and that I haven’t been the same person since I got married. To this of course I lose it. I’ve been bottling up so much so long until it just exploded. How dare she? Forget the money I’ve given her over the past 15 years. How about the fact she never comes over to visit with me or my children (when she lives .5 mile away)? Or that she’s there to check her membership? I could go on and on.To all this she replies that I was mean to her the day of my wedding. Now don’t get me wrong people. I was. I yelled at her. My wedding, for those who don’t know was at 4p in a Saturday. I bought my mom and sister’s dresses. I paid for their dinner at every prewedding event so they wouldn’t be left out. I paid for their flowers. I paid to have my sister’s hair done. And I had all intention of paying for her makeup, as well as my mom’s hair and makeup – but the week of the wedding things came up and I explained I wouldn’t be able to.

The day of my wedding my stylist does my sister’s makeup anyway, without me knowing, along with my mom’s hair. And I have to pay for it. Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have gotten upset, but it was MY WEDDING DAY and I was a nervous wreck. And I yelled at my mom over it. BUT I APOLOGIZED. Then and several times since then.

But the day of this argument all this gets thrown up at me again. And when I bring up the fact that it was my wedding day, and that my own mother wasn’t there until 30 minutes before the wedding, she states “It wasn’t her job to be there for me.” So I look at her and tell her to get the fuck out of my house. Not pretty I know. And honestly, I remember nothing after that. My husband tells me I shoved the door on her foot and cut her toe, but I don’t remember any of it.

But you know what? I don’t feel bad. I mean of course I feel bad for saying that to her and for hurting her foot (and sending her to the hospital according to a text from my sister) but I don’t apologize for my feelings. I’m tired of feeling like a continuance of a cycle that my grandmother started, and that thankfully I’m choosing to end.

I now have a family that will stick by me through thick and thin and would do ANYTHING to make me happy...

I’m tired of wishing for the mother I thought I once had. I’ve only fooling myself at the time, but I really hoped and prayed that her motherly instinct would somehow magically be switched on now that she’s separated from my stepfather. (He of course has been her problem all along – according to her.) I have no idea why I would have thought that after years of her proving otherwise, but I still had the hope of the little girl inside of me.

I have been selfless in my love for my mother. I have cried for hours and days on end over the fact I can't have the relationship that I want with her. Or at least some sort of normal one. And I am finally tired of crying.

I mean what I say. She and my stepfather have screwed me so many times in my life and I am finally stopping it. My life has been more fulfilled in this past year than any other point in my life. I know the people standing by my side now actually love me and with that undying love, I have the strength to face ANYTHING. I have asked God for strength and He brought it to me in the form of tests, trials and loyal friends and family. You do not need to be blood related to have a real family - I have learned that much.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

People Need to Be Loved Too Much

Several years ago, I met this man that changed the way I looked at the world. It was this man that taught me the most important thing about love. He taught me that you should practice love as much as possible. It is in doing so that you let others know they are important to you; and that the moments you have with them are important to you as well. Love is nothing to be ashamed of, he taught me. Nor is it something you should be embarrassed of. He felt as though love should be worn on your sleeve. What he taught me, I shall never forget.

But since it is not the way our society views love, I need to explain it to you so that you understand.

This man taught me that that the words 'I Love You' can be used for anything, and should be used as often as possible, so that the people around you understand how much you appreciate them. He said that 'I Love You' doesn't have to mean, "I love you and now you can never be with anyone else ever, and are stuck with me for the rest of my life, and have to look at me everyday, and put up with all my bull shit, and marry me, and cook my dinner, and have my children, and clean my house, and wash my laundry, and take care of me when I'm old."

In fact, he thought that this was the silliest thing that "I love you" should mean.

Then he turned to me and he said, "I love you for driving me home. I love you for spending hours with me talking about Buddha. I love you for watching EARTH with me. I love you for laughing with me. I love you for having coffee with me. I love you for waking up in my arms.

I love you because you have chocolate on the side of your mouth. I love you because I know what color underwear you have on. And I really really love you because we went to Waffle House and had such a wonderful time eating hashbrowns and talking about nonsense."

This was completely new to me. My parents divorced when I was young, and neither were lovey-dovey affectionate couples with their new spouses. Don’t get me wrong. I knew my parents loved me, but they did nothing to teach me about displaying love. And they surely didn't teach me anything about being in a normal relationship.

I read once that we use 'I Love You' much too often in our society. We throw it away as if it's not important. We say, "Yeah, okay, I love you, bye!" each time we get off the phone, and thus 'I love you' has now become linked with good-byes. Instead of what 'I love you' should really mean, which is something to the effect of, "I cherish you, and I really appreciate having you in my life."

The article concluded that we shouldn't throw away our 'I love yous’ at the end of phone calls - we should find deep and meaningful moments to tell the people we love that we truly sincerely do love them.

Hmmm. I tucked that article away in my mind to think about as time went on.

And then I lost one of the people in my life that I had loved the most. We had split up countless times (always from me being the immature-girl-trying-to-pretend-to-be-a-woman that I was at the time), and one day we had gone to this restaurant (whose name fails me at the moment) to discuss his most recent need to forgive me AGAIN. On this particular day, he listened to me tell him how utterly wrong HE was and how I was so completely right in my latest argument; I told him what I needed to him to do to make ME better. And when I thought I had done all I could, he took me back to my car.

I got out of my car, and he yelled, "HEY!" to get my attention. But instead of stopping to listen, I poked my head back into his car, and I said, “I hate you for not understanding.”


These were the last words I ever spoke to him face to face.

This to I man I had shared so many memories with. I didn't find a meaningful moment to look into his eyes and tell him how much I loved him. I didn't say, “I’m sorry.” The simplest statement. The one that I needed to say - and I was too stubborn. I said, “I hate you." He said okay, nodded and I watched him drive away.

And a moment didn't pass…my pride did.

This is what I didn't say:

I love you because we both love Crab Cakes.
I love that I had someone to eat lunch with.
I love that you understand how badly I wanted to chase life.
I love that you understand what I'm saying even when I stumble over my words and struggle to get my point across.
I love you because you pick me up when I was down - and never expected anything in return.
I love that you call me in the middle of the night when you're upset and I am the one voice in the world that you need to hear.
I love that in the middle of a crowded restaurant you let me climb into the booth with you and put my arms around you.
I love you because you always put your arms around me when I needed it.
I love you because you write me letters everyday and you mail them all to me.
I love you because you think it's cute when I'm clumsy.
I love you because you weren't frustrated with the waitress when she forgot about us.
I love you because when I’m cold you always let me wear you sweater from Ireland.

I resolved that I shall never make that mistake again.

This has proven more challenging than I imagined. It has forced me to be creative and sneaky with my 'I love yous.

To my casual friends I usually find a moment when we are giggly and say, "Oh that's so funny, I love you so much because you are just so fun to be around!"

When getting gifts I tend to say, "Oh thank you so much! I love you for thinking of me! That's really so sweet of you, it means so much to me!"

Guy friends are a bit easier because I can always just say, "Oh honey, I love you because your such a fing goofball." And then they know I love them, but they aren't scared off thinking I want to have their babies.

My few friends that I am very close with and my family are use to my sentimental ramblings. They know I love them and they know why. Usually it's something like, "Thank you. I love you so much for going through this with me. I really am so lucky I have you." Sometimes its, "I love you so much, I absolutely realize that you are the only one that puts up with my craziness."
I rather enjoy the ones that go, "Oh God! I love you soooo much because you know me so well!!!"

Our conversations usually end with, "Okay well I love you very much. Thank you for taking this time to let me vent - it means a lot to me." Then I can rest easy knowing that if I never see them again, they know how much they meant to me. Or that I'm just a sappy schmuck that goes all gooey when anyone pays the littlest bit of attention to me.

I don't really care either way what they think. It's only important to me that they know, that those moments have had a profound impact on me. Because I know how life feels without those moments.

I know how life feels with out someone to go to lunch with.
Without someone to listen to my bullshit.
Without someone who thinks it's funny when I get chocolate on my face.
Without someone who puts their arms around me.
Without someone who makes me laugh or does ridiculous goofball things.
Without someone who buys me gifts or knows me so well.
Without someone to watch TV with, go to the movies with or who thinks its endearing when I break things or trip.
Without someone who wants to hear my voice and is so excited to tell me things.
Without someone that calls to make sure I'm ok.
Without some to go shoe shopping with because that REALLY just isn't as much fun all alone.

I know how that feels - and I don't want to ever feel that way about anyone in my life again.

Whatever you do, and whoever you are - don’t miss the opportunities to tell the ones you love, that, well, you do. They may not be there when you decide you’re finally ready to let your guard down.

A Great Blog Challenge I Found

So read mine, chuckle and snort...but YOU are next. The challenge is to think about what it is like to date or live with you from the other person's perspective. It's about putting all of your flaws out there for the world to see.

It's Not Easy Dating Me
- by All the Men Trudy Has Loved

The first thing you notice about Trudy is that she appears to have it all together. She's the one everyone comes to for advice; but what no one really realizes is, deep down, she is just as lost as everyone else. Trudy comes across at first as a pretty tough cookie. She is sweet, sarcastic, and has loads of energy. She can't wait to do fun things and is always coming up with new and interesting idea. The only problem with that tough cookie exterior is she keeps lots of things to herself. You think you know her.

But you don't.

She's an odd combination. She likes to think she's not an introvert, but her heart can cause her to go deep inside herself and not let anyone in. It's very rare she lets anyone ever really get to know her. I'm pretty sure no one ever has. If someone really got inside, they might be able to hurt she keeps the world at a distance.

Trudy most days is a mess and what’s worse is she knows it. She tells you straight up from the beginning that the only thing she has ever done consistently is make the wrong decisions. When you talk to her though you know there is more to her than this hard front she puts up. She cares so much that she has to hide behind her shell. She cries easily but you don’t want to be the person that makes her shed tears. Trudy doesn’t forgive easily.

A lot of people have hurt her and she doesn’t trust easily. It’s hard to get to know Trudy all at one time...when you learn the big stuff it will probably be out of the blue and inconsistently. One minute everything is fine and the next you are learning of some deep childhood trauma and the really weird thing is she doesn’t want to talk about it….she just wants to tell you, she wants you hear what happened so you can know her.

Trudy procrastinates with the best of them and about everything. Things that most people think are just daily chores are things she finds insignificant and doesn’t have the time for. I can almost guarantee that if she lived alone the laundry would never get folded; clean but not folded.

But then there's this extroverted side of Trudy that longs for attention. That's the side that gets a guy in trouble. Trudy will often go hours without saying a word while her resentment builds and builds. Then suddenly she explodes. You see, it's not that she just suffers...she wants the world to know she suffers. Particularly the man she's with. Ninety percent of everything she gets upset has something to do with attention.

She likes to talk but if you can’t hold a conversation she gets bored and wanders off. She needs someone who can challenge her intellectually and has a very low tolerance for childishness and needless drama. She hates to argue but if you ever decide you need to argue you had better bring facts and not feelings because she will rip you to shreds with logic even if she cries later about the emotional stuff.

If there's one thing Trudy doesn't like, it's being invisible. Especially to the man she loves. When life's many distractions cause a man to neglect her for any period of time, she begins to feel taken for granted. Eventually she gives up on trying to get his attention and retreats back into herself - or worse, someone else.

On the flip side of all of that, Trudy is a strong, spirited, loving partner. Despite what was mentioned above, she is a very independent person. Almost too independent at times. It seems she WANTS attention, she just doesn't NEED it. She fears if anyone puts too much of a spotlight on her, he will see her flaws. So as soon as she's in that spotlight, she deflects it. It's a frustrating contrast...most of the time a man has no idea how to respond to any of it.

What's it like to live with her? Oh hell...don't make her mad. She has this short temper that she claims she has fixed, yet the silent treatment creeps up on you, and then BAM... she screams and everything might suddenly be your fault even if it really isn't. But, there's really only certain things in particular that set her just probably won't know what they are until it's too late.

Speaking of what's wrong... The word "nothing" is her favorite response to that... Her second favorite would be "I'm fine." And if you just drop it after she says "nothing" a time or two, nothing will ever get solved. Trust me, something is wrong with her. She just wants you to act like you care and keep bugging her to get it out of her.

Trudy will never come out and tell you what she wants or ask you for anything, which can be frustrating. If her back hurts, she'll whine about her back hurting a little and let herself be miserable instead of simply asking for a massage. If she doesn't have money for a bill to get it paid on time, she won't ask you for it. No, instead she'll whine a little about not having the money and stay stressed out til she comes up with it on her own.

On an easier note, the number one way to her heart is words. (Well, that and really really good sex...) Although you can't use just any old line with Trudy, the right words can put you in her heart forever. Her favorite thing in the whole world are cards - of the handwritten type. There is nothing more sweeter to her than little notes left here and there.

All in all, she's definately a hard one to figure out. But aren't we all, when we really look at ourselves? She's a great girl, with great ideas...she just probably won't share them with you. She thinks most people really aren't worth her time or energy...and many don't prove her wrong...

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

In three words, I can sum up everything I've learned about goes on.