Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Lets start with some crap we have been taught since we were little.
Being wrong is a bad thing. Have you ever stopped and thought about that? You realize this is completely driven by pride, right? Pride is the single most blinding emotion you have. It will blind you to all kinds of great things in your life and will blind you to growing in your life. You are so focused on winning and being right that you are blinded to all other information and possibilities. Being wrong means that you learned something - how is that bad??? It means you listened to someone else or were proven wrong by someone else. You took the information you learned and now have the ability to make a better decision. Being wrong is genius!
I am constantly looking for people to prove me wrong, I love new perspectives and new information that might enable me to make better decisions. I am always accused of arguing to prove that I am right or not admitting when I am wrong. Incorrect. I argue until you can give me information that makes more logical sense than the information Ialready have. I am not wrong often because I dont make decisions based on feelings. I make them out of logic. Logic is constant, feelings are not.
So the next time you are arguing with someone about something and you know you are wrong, just stop and say, "No, your right. I'm wrong." All that means is that their information is better than yours. It doesnt THEY are better. If I argued with Micheal Vick about how hard a pitbull can bite another dog, he would have better information than me and would be right. But by no means is he a BETTER person than me. See how easy that is? Just a slight shift in approach, thats all.
If you arent happy its YOUR fault. Not your spouse's, not your job's, not your money's, not your friends who talk about you behind your back, YOU YOU YOU. This is more crap we are conditioned to think. We are taught to not be selfish, to make others happy - to do do do do do for others or BLAME others for your unhappiness. You hear your parents, friends, relatives complaining all the reasons they are unhappy. You never hear them say "I am unhappy because I allow myself to be!"
Here is the key to being happy and I didnt get this out of an Oprah book or a fortune cookie - its how I taught myself to be happy. Its how I learned how to make decisions to be happy. You must free yourself from influence and truly understand what makes you happy. Without factoring in what your parents expect you to be, what your friends expect you to be, what your spouse expects you to be. This is truly what you want/need in order to be fulfilled. Once you realize what that is then you build boundaries that ensure that happiness does not get affected. Once those boundaries are established, you let NO ONE over step them.
Lets be real clear about what NO ONE means. That means not a single person. Spouse, mom, brother, best friend...It doesnt matter. No one should be given the right to take away your happiness. If you give them that ability, that is YOUR fault for allowing it, not their fault for
We are TAUGHT this is selfish. Well guess what? The Germans were taught to hate Jews. White kids in the south are taught to hate black people. Just because you are taught something doesnt make it right! Tradition and authority are the two most dangerous reasons to EVER believe anything, but yet its what we put the most faith into. Why? Because we dont have faith in ourselves and our ability to learn for ourselves so we listen to someone else! Its not selfish at all. Its called doing what it takes to be happy, truly happy, without insecurities.
Opposite to what you believe, I am a very selfless and compromising person. Need help? I'll come help. Its raining? Oh well I'm ok with that. I want Wilmington, you want Raleigh. I'm ok with Raleigh. Need me to sitand listen to you during a tough time even though baseball is on? Ok, lets sit down and talk.
But here is where the key is.
You want me to listen to you even though you take it for granted? Sorry, not going to fly. You want me to spend 3 hours a day with you every day, which means I wont be able to do the hobbies in my life that make me happy? Sorry, no can do. You want me dress this way, instead of dressing the way I enjoy? Sorry, cant make that happen. You want to borrow money even though you have made no attempt to earn it yourself and probably wont pay me back? Sorry, cant help you. You want to come hang out with my group even though you have anger issues and might ruin it for everyone? Sorry you ARE NOT invited.
You can have stiff boundaries and still compromise. You just cant compromise the boundaries of your own happiness. Learn to tell people NO. We are taught that saying no is rude. More crap! Saying no is a part of living a happy life. There is no way you can live a happy life without saying no. Its impossible! There is no way you can live a happy life without disappointing people. Its impossible! I dont care what your grandmother told you when you were 9! Tell her I said go do what she is good at - cooking fried chicken and let me do the talking about happiness! Dont forget the mashed potatoes biotch!
We are taught to avoid confrontation. More crap! Confrontation is a necessary part of life and shouldnt be uncomfortable. How can you maintain your boundaries if you never confront anyone? Do you live ina perfect world where everyone constantly lives within your boundaries without you having to communicate them? No!
But Truds, I do have boundaries. Oh really? Sure you do, until you get a boyfriend that you are crazy about and are so excited about things working out with. Then you start to bend on those boundaries a little. We are all taught to compromise right? You start to bend just a little on the things that make you happy because its worth it - you are building something great! But guess what? Those boundaries are there for a reason. To keep you from bending even when emotion/feeling tells you to. So you bend here, bend there, start molding your boundaries around what makes someone else happy. Then what do you have? You have influence and you have lost what makes YOU happy as a person. This is not a sustainable model. If someone cannot respect your boundaries or cannot be happy with your boundaries staying in tact then find someone else!
Remember finding someone is NOT more important than being happy! More crap we are taught. In order to be happy you have to find someone that completes you, get married, have kids and live happily everafter! First off, no one can complete you, not even the kid from Jerry Mcguire or Megan Fox or Derek Jeter! You have to be a complete person in order to be happy. Then once you are happy someone can just make you happier by being your gravy.
Forget what you have been taught, erase it and learn it on your own. Sometimes the things you learn on your own will match perfectly on what you have been taught. Great. Sometimes they will be completely opposite. Even better!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I've been reading a lot online about books that have inspired famous people, from movie starts to scientist, be the people they are today. Now while I am by no means famous, I think a true reader is molded by the books they read. And since I've been suffering from writers' block lately, I thought over the next few days I would share a few books that have made me who I am today...and those that push me toward tomorrow.
#1 The Gospel of Matthew
I chose this Gospel because saying "the Bible" is one's favorite book is too trite and too broad. I leave aside questions of my own faith, which I consider a private matter, for clearly the book stands on its own as a piece of literature, philosophy, and a means of understanding our culture.
I never read the Bible as a child, and before I did I expected that it would be full of hell fire, and brimstone. This notion had only been reinforced by hearing one angry person after another claim to represent all Christians, as they wagged and pounded the Bible. Reading the Bible opened my eyes to the fact that any hateful person could not represent this faith. This book is beautiful and exquisitely written - but it characterized by one quality that covers every page - love.
Beyond giving me a way to question the beliefs molding those affirming "tax cut for the rich" by invoking "the eye of a needle" and "a rich man," reading the Bible made it harder for me to accept its being used to spread damaging propaganda and small-minded beliefs in the name of "Christian values."
In the Book of Matthew, those values sound like this: "Blessed are the poor in spirit; for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven...Blessed are the merciful; for they shall obtain mercy....Blessed are the peacemakers; for they shall be called the children of God."
Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
Sometimes I wonder if anything is absolute anymore. Is there still right and wrong, good and bad, truth and lies? Or is everything negotiable? Left to interpretation. Gray?
Have you ever wondered how long it takes to change your life? What measure of time is enough to be life altering? Is it four years, like high school, one year, a single minute? Can your life change in a month, a week, or a single day? We arealways in a hurry to grow, to go places, to get ahead. But when you're young, one hour can change everything.
Have you ever wondered what marks our time here? If one life can really make an impact on the world? Or if the choices we make matter? I believe they do. And I believe that one person can change many lives... for better or worse.
As happens sometimes, a moment settles and hoveres and remains for much more than a moment. And sound stops and movement stops for much, much more than a moment. And then the moment is gone.
Truth is still absolute. Believe that. Even when that truth is hard and cold, and more painful than you've ever imagined. And even when truth is more cruel than any lie. But happiness can come in many forms. In the company of good friends; in the feeling you get when you make someone else’s dreams come true; or in a promise of hope renewed. It’s ok to let yourself be happy, because you never know how great that happiness might be. Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life, that you expect it to always be there, because you can’t remember a time in your life when it wasn’t. But then one day you feel something else. Something that feels wrong only because it’s so unfamiliar, and in that moment you realize you’re happy.
Sometimes it's easy to feel like you're the only one in the world who's struggling, who's frustrated, or unsatisfied at barely getting by. But, that feeling is a lie and if you just hold on; just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find the way and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes, someone to help us hear the music in the world. To remind us that it won’t always be this way. That someone is out there, and that someone will find you.
There are billions of people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day, others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men at war with good, and some are good struggling with evil. Billions of people in the world; billions of souls, and sometimes, all you need is one.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Recently, I read a blog about a person's "representative" -- that side of ourselves we show in the early days of dating. It started me thinking about those relationship bombs we drop later on in a relationship. Things it's not necessary to say on the first date...but things that really do need to come out at some point.
Then there are things you never, ever tell anyone. Little secrets you keep tucked away inside. You fear they'll no longer love you if you reveal these things so you never do. But the secrets drive a wedge between you.
Say, for example, you were molested as a child. That's DEFINITELY not something you let someone know on a first date. But do you ever reveal it? Is it need-to-know information? Probably because, like it or not, it has an impact on who you are today and why you behave the way you do.
Then there's the STD question. I had a guy once complain to me about a woman telling him, in the middle of dinner on the FIRST date, that she has herpes. His complaint? It ruined his appetite. Of course, he never went out with her again but I had to ask him, "Wouldn't you rather her tell you up-front than six or seven dates in, when you were really starting to like her?" In fact, maybe they should just insert that into people's online dating profiles. STDs? "Will tell you later."
Sometimes we drag too much out onto the table on the first date. "Do you want kids?" "Why are you divorced?" "Have you ever been arrested?" None of those conversations feel comfortable in the first hour of meeting but if you don't discuss it then, when DO you discuss it?
I once knew a man, very religious, who met a very religious woman. They fell in love. She was a virgin and she ASSUMED he was. After all, in her little world that was what good Christian boys did -- wait for marriage. He didn't realize for a while she was assuming that about him and once he did, he didn't have the heart to correct her. So it went on... And on... And on... Next thing I knew, they were engaged. He still hadn't told her.
By that time, I reasoned, it was just "too late." If he told her then it could completely destroy his relationship because the problem was, he'd been hiding it all along.
Which was the same as lying.
And if he'd lie about that, what else would he lie about?
Could she ever trust him?
(Yes, women DO think that way!)
My point is, most of us hold a little of ourselves back in the beginning. We show our best face, hoping the person won't see through to the messes we are inside. But then, the day comes when we have to reveal the monster that lurks within.
The problem is, at that point the person has just one question: "Why didn't you tell me this before?"
Before WHAT? You were still getting to know each other. You didn't feel comfortable revealing your deepest, darkest secrets to them until you realized you were in love. You now trust him/her enough to show this side of yourself but she's feeling... Deceived. Especially if your secret is one that would make most women run. Like your addiction to midget porn. Or your penchant for wearing her underwear after she leaves for work.
Once she loves you, she'll have a harder time walking away because of it, even if it's something she has major issues with. If you'll agree to counseling, there might be hope, but otherwise... Well...
She may just leave you anyway.
At what point in a new relationship should major things be brought out into the open? Think of it from the perspective of the person receiving the bombs and the person dropping them. Six weeks? Six months? A year?
And then wait for the explosion.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
In a state of desperateness the other night at work, I read one sitting around on the back shelf. While I will skip most of the stupidness, at one point, a girl makes the statement to a guy who is in love: There are three kinds of love. Love, Big Love, and Great Love.
Love, you get over in two months or so. It stings, but not too much. Big Love might take you two years to really get past if it ends. But Great Love, you don’t get over. And really, it only happens once. If Great Love is rejected, you really can only move on, and find the one you love second most.
She also says that if you have to move on from that one Great Love, then it becomes too late. Once the book is closed, it can't be reread.
Love is certainly far too grand and mysterious of a thing to wrap it all up in one simple line from a book. But I think there may actually be something to this.
We have all been in love before in some form. Most of us have probably experienced different intensities when loving someone in a romantic sense. Some, you might love like a dusting of snow, that melts easily enough once a little heat comes along as the day starts. It was real enough, but didn’t and maybe couldn't go anywhere.
Sometimes we have a love that we really did invest in, and really did have something with, maybe had a real shot with. The kind that can really rattle you when you suffer its loss. The kind that can leave you needing a year or two alone just to settle your heart and find healing.
Then there’s that one.
That one who achieved a level, a depth with you that no one else will ever achieve. That one who is elevated above any other, in our hearts. Whether you had 10 lovers, or 20, or 50, or however many times you were “in love”... whether you ended up getting married, or no matter what, that ONE who affected you in a way that no one else ever will, or ever could.
How sad it is, when we are somehow unable to retain that one? When somehow they got away, or you screwed it up, or however it went, that they are simply gone from you.
It is sad, to be with that person you love second-best, although it’s not a total disaster. That doesn’t mean you would love that person in some lame or crippled way. It could still be really great. And if it lasted, maybe that ONE that holds that highest place in your heart, would eventually fade into a place of less importance, even though they might never lose that status in your heart.
To discover someone who makes your heart soar like no other, and not just for the attraction or great sex, or how they make you feel. The purest appreciation for who they really are, and the way they appreciate you or understand you as well - both of you with the ability to express it beautifully. To find someone you admire and adore beyond anyone you ever have or ever could...
The one you would offer your very best to, or break any rule for, or make any sacrifice.
It can become even more intense just because you know this. You know this isn’t some attraction, some light dusting of snow. You know this isn’t someone you just love or care about, yet knowing that the relationship is flawed underneath and will most likely or quite possibly have to end one day.
But to finally say THIS ONE I can finally invest everything in. This one, I don’t have to hold back some part of me... can be such a relief, such a joy, that the loss can almost become something you don’t want to survive.
It’s hard, too, when you discover that you married or had children with someone who doesn’t hold that high place in your heart, either because no one ever has, or because you gave up and quit on great love, and just went to do whatever, even trying to tell yourself it was a stupid pursuit anyway, or that it doesn’t exist.
I have been in love before. I have said I love you when I knew it was just the feeling of the moment. I have said I love you to someone who I knew I didn’t love fully. I have said I love you, and meant it, down to the very core of my being, and with my deepest heart.
Have you lost that one, and now can only hope for something that gets close? Or, does the future hold one that would surpass everything else, and be that really great love, and surprise you, after you had resigned to having lost the one you once loved the most? Is it possible to re-open the book on the one you lost, if they reappear? Possible for your heart to soar as it once did?
Is your great love in your past? Are they in your midst right now? Are they in your future?
Monday, July 13, 2009
special to you. Will you QUIT doing that please?
There are no acts that are inherently special.
Special is defined by the people involved in the act.
Of course, sex CAN be special and intimate, but so can thousands of other acts.
Sitting on a tailgate drinking a beer can be special.
Taking a bubble bath can be special.
Sitting down to dinner can be special.
Being a dominatrix can be special to the right person.
All depends on the person.
Stop letting OTHER people define things for YOU.
Just because someone started the rumor 2000 years ago that says sex is joining of souls and
reserved for love and marriage doesnt mean thats a fact, you are once again allowing someone
ELSE to define acts for YOU.
Sex is exactly what you make it, YOU define sex.
Sex can be out of frustration. Sex can be from love. Sex can be intimate. Sex can be for
recreational fun. Sex can be just for excitement. Sex can be just because you felt like it.
But the constant that does not change is, its for pleasure.
People make such a huge deal about sex. "You two had sex and you just met, you are
Really? Explain why.
Ok, sex is reserved, its special, its for when you really get to know each other.
No, actually the only definition for sex is: to engage in sexual intercourse, so where are
you getting your definition of the intent behind it?
Well, thats MY intent for sex, you say?
Ok, and again what does YOUR intent for sex have to do with everyone else?
I hear people say God invented sex to be special, and to alot of people He did.
But to many of these same people, haven't you lied on your taxes for 6 years in a row? So basically, once again, ignore the parts of the Bible that aren't convenient for your life and follow the ones that are?
Do not judge me due to YOUR or GOD's definition of sex. Do you realize how simple minded that makes you?
To me, by itself sex is a physical act for pleasure, just like a massage. It in no way
physically or emotionally changes the make up of your mind or body after you have sex. You
do not have a limited amount before they are all gone. If you did then yes you
would need to be strategic. If you had a Bank of say, 300 times, then you might want to save those for special times, but since you dont, why not use them?
Because you think that will make you have a reputation? Really? Engaging in a consensual act for pleasure that you enjoy will actually lower the way you think of yourself? Are you that fragile? Is the foundation for your self esteem really that weak?
Yes I am aware that chemicals are released in the brain during sex that can lead to
attachment, etc. Those are also released when you eat cotton candy or get a new puppy. That excuse is used up.
But sex is so much better if you are in love, you say?
I agree, but pizza from a brick oven in Italy is also better than Pizza Hut, but you dont see
a shortage in people eating there, do you? This excuse is also played out. We accept 2nd, 3rd, , and 18th best ALL the time in our life. We operate in a state of mediocrity, but now you are
going to tell me you arent going to have sex because its better if you are in love?
So NOW you decide to only accept the best?
Guess what, 3rd best sex is still really really really good.
There doens't have to be butterfly kisses, or heart shaped cards or joining of souls.
It can be an act of pleasure because that's what you choose to make it.
I feel sorry for you for letting such a special and monumental act become so meaningless to you, you say?
Actually if anyone should feel sorry for anyone it should be feeling sorry for you. You are letting a 2000 year old rumor keep you from enjoying life. But to each their own - keep on bottling up and suppressing your natural desires. Sounds healthy!
It will never mean anything to you if you keep this up, you say?
Really? Now you are predicting my feelings in the future too? Wow, you are amazing. Are people so dumb that they cannot control their emotions or intent behind acts? Are we really all in auto pilot mode? The double standard is complete bs and if you give in to it you are a weak simple
minded follower. PERIOD.
If you are a woman and feel like having sex, then have sex, its that easy. If you are a man and feel like having sex, then have it. Now this doesn't mean you have to go around telling your business or someone else's all over God's green Earth. You need to reevaluate why you're needing sex if you're doing it to make yourself feel like a bigger person.
So, tell me, without quoting what someone else told you was the intent behind sex, why sex is different than a massage? They are both physical acts that bring pleasure.
Also dont take the easy way out and bring up STD's. That completely goes against the point of this blog and you know it. But yes, engaging in sex for pleasure will increase your chance to get an STD even with a condom. Any more basic facts you want to bring up, Captain Obvious?
I'm not condoning mindless intercourse. I'm simply saying we live in a world that's scared to talk about it. And until we live in reality, teen pregnancy, STDs, and even broken relationships will increase because we as a society don't know how to handle it. If you can't talk about sex, how on earth do you expect to solve half these problems? I have friends who can't talk about sex without blushing, but have been doing it for years? How do you have meaningful sex or otherwise when you're too embarrassed to talk about it? A little immature I think...
Sunday, July 12, 2009
I am a very un-emotional girl. Now, that doesn't mean that I don't have my moments, I mean I have bad days just like the next girl. But I handle mine in very different ways. I rarely cry, and usually when I do cry it is because I am mad. I don't gush over hallmark cards or romantic comedies. I do love babies and puppies but it's more of a "wow look how cute that puppy is, let me go smash his face into mine and shove my fingers in his mouth and let him nibble on me" rather than aaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!
I don't mean to come across this way; I swear I don't. I am just not the type of person to randomly make chit-chat with people. I don't even ever call my best friend that often. Ask him, he'll tell you. If he is in instant messenger I might send him a quick line, or I might shoot him a text to see what his plans are, but I definitely don't ever call just to chat about life.
I'm just not that person. I am very self-involved and very task-oriented. I work under the assumption that if someone needs me they will let me know. But from some people’s point of of view, I come across as if I don't care or am not excited about what is going on in their life. This is a problem I run into often. I forget that people don't just need help with tasks, but that they also need that personal touch. A text, a phone call, some sort of indication that you are there and listening and interested.
If you show me a picture of something beautiful, I will in my head think “Wow, that is beautiful,” but outwardly I will probably just nod my head and smile. I am just not a gusher; I don't squeal and tear up over the normal mess that girls get all giggly over. And there is nothing wrong with girls who are that way. In fact, sometimes I wish I was that way because then maybe I would fit in better with women. I end up with all guy friends because I get uncomfortable around typical girly things. I just don't do emotions well. And as great as it is for business and work, it sucks when it comes to those I care about.
So I may not be emotional, and I may not be touchy-feely, and I may end up inadvertently hurting people I care about due to my lack of mush, but I can make up for it in my own little non-gushy ways. At least I hope so...
Saturday, July 11, 2009
*ahem* So let's talk about SEX. Those three little letters that are at the bottom of just about everything that humans do. Even the prudes must admit that sex determines a lot in their lives. Sex is what drives men to do anything that involves a woman. Sex is what women use to accomplish things. Sex is what we all love and enjoy, but (for some) rarely talk about.
So yay for sex and vaginas and penises. Let's all roll around and be happy.
Uhhhh, let's not. First of all, 90% of men are doing it wrong. Yea, that's right---I SAID IT. Most men don't give women what they really want. Truth be told, women like to be man-handled just as much as men like to do the man-handling. They just don't talk about it. Well, at least not to YOU. They talk about it to each other, but they will never admit it to the person they are sleeping with.
Because it's awkward and messy and too risky. So women just deal with the average sex to get to the rest of you. So what do women really want? We want movie sex. We want to be thrown against the wall, attacked, roughed up a little bit, ie. 9 and a Half Weeks. Look, when a guy goes crazy on you, I mean, like CRAZY, breathing hard and tearing at your clothes like he's going to absolutely DIE if he doesn't have you in the next 5 seconds, it makes us feel powerful.
And if anyone understands how much of an aphrodisiac power is, it's men, right? Knowing that you want us so bad you just can't wait another second makes us feel sexy, and making a woman feel sexy is half the battle, guys.
Are you getting all this down?
Now, I know there are the prude girls who will probably read this blog that go something like this, "Well, I like it when my man romances me, gets me in the mood slowly, lights a candle, puts on some Jewel, blahblahblah."
Gag me. Get the hello off my blog. Go read someone else crappy lies. I like to keep it real over here. That mess might be fun once in a blule moon, perhaps on an anniversary here and there, but for everyday, that is just annoying.
Be with her like she is the sexiest woman on Earth - like you absolutely cannot stand to be in the same room with her and not be naked - like everything she does in bed makes you crazy, and you will have a HAPPY woman. And you will get laid. A lot.
Ladies? What do you think? Here is your chance to speak up. I'm a chick. I talk. A lot. One of my bffs, Eli, knows things about me that no man does, or ever will. And you know what? Every girl has that person that she discusses this with. And sweet, romantic, slow sex might get you brownie points, but crazy, rough, porn star sex will get you sooooo much more.
That is the kind of sex that makes her sit at her desk the next day grinning from ear to ear and using every bit of her strength to not text you to come to her right that second and do it again. That is the kind of sex that we can't wait to tell our friends about. That is the kind of sex that will get you bragged on for days. So give it to her. Be original. Get creative. Get dirty. Don't be scared. Just try it.
Now, for those of you that are in one of those pesky relationships...you'll have to handle this tactfully. If you just attack her the next time you see her, she will wonder what changed. So ask her. Just say "Hey let's get drunk and play like porn stars tonight." (Or whatever way you talk to her) That little princess that cooks for you and folds your laundry and giggles at dirty words can turn into Pamela Anderson on Ecstasy if you give her the option. You can tell her all day long that she makes the best Spaghetti on Earth, but the minute you tell her that she ***** you better than anyone else ever has, you will automatically improve your life ten-fold.
The more you tell her how good she is, especially DURING the act, the more comfortable and experimental she will get. So speak up, boys. Don't be shy.... Just go crazy on her. Every girl has it deep down in her somewhere, but she will never willingly bring it out. That is entirely up to you.
Let me repeat: YOU HAVE TO BRING THE FREAK OUT OF HER!!!
Look, everyone knows that guys like freaks in the bedroom. But we girls get scared to be that way because we don't want to be put into the "freak" category straight out of the gate. And we don't want to freak YOU out or scare you. Especially right off the bat. So most of the time, we just go along with whatever you do. So if you want the freak to come out, and you want to lay there out of breath and wondering why the room is spinning when you haven't even had a drink, take my advice. Seriously.
Talk to her, see how she responds. Ask her about her fantasies. Tell her the things you want to do to her and then DO THEM. Trust me. You will be greatly rewarded. (If you need some inspiration, go listen to Closer by NIN. OMG. )
This has been my public service announcement for today. Go, my little dears, and have FUN with it!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
As a woman in this day & age, I am in a position to ask a man what can you do for me that I can't do for myself? What can you bring to the table?
I am not referring to money. I need something more. I need a man who is striving for excellence in every aspect of life.
I need someone who is striving for excellence mentally because I need conversation & mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man. I need someone who is striving for excellence spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked...believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for excellence financially because I don't need a financial burden. I need someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I need someone who has integrity in dealing with relationships. Lies and game-playing are not my idea of a strong man. I need a man who is family-oriented. One who can be the leader, priest and provider to the lives entrusted to him by God. I need someone whom I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy. And by the way, I am not looking for him...He will find me. He will recognize himself in me. He may not be able to explain the connection, but he will always be drawn to me. God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself.
I'm asking alot I know.
But I'm worth a lot.
This blog isn't about the romantic escapades of Hollywood. It's about the irony of one person pining away for someone who spends the rest of her life regretting the time she spent with that person. If I, personally, knew someone thought of me as a mistake, you can bet your butt I'd be rethinking how I remembered him. But then, I don't spend my life pining over someone from my past.
In the movie Adaptation (which if you haven't seen is awesome), a character said something that struck me hard. I've searched for the quote since and can't find it, but in short, the character was speaking of a girl he loved in high school who basically thought of him as a joke. Someone asked if that bothered him and he said no. That was HIS love, he said. HIS happiness. No one could take that away from him.
Is it pride? Maybe.
I just have never been much for unrequited love. Sure, in high school I had my fair share of crushes on boys who barely knew I existed. Nor did they care. I had fun while it lasted but you can bet, once I finally opened my eyes and realized I was nothing more to them than a nuisance, I high-tailed my behind out of there.
All the time I see people pining over someone from years ago. My mom is a classic example. Ah, the "one that got away." It's clear, when you talk to these people, that the object of their affections has moved on. In most cases they're married, had a kid or two, and isn't giving them a second thought. If they are, it's certainly not to wax poetic about what "might have been."
Remembering that high school crush or that ex-spouse they lost...
Is it wrong for someone to spend so much time and energy on someone who either thinks of you as a mistake or doesn't think of you at all? Or is it as the character in Adaptation said?
It's your love. YOUR happiness. No one can take it away from you.
"You are what you love, not what loves you." -Adaptation
I'm constantly hearing men complain that they can't seem to find a nice woman. Time after time they become interested in someone, only to find they've quickly entered the dreaded FRIEND ZONE. There's a reason for that. Nice guys are great. They really are. But there's a difference between a nice guy...and a guy with low self-esteem.
Ladies, YOU know what I'm talking about. Having self-confidence doesn't mean treating people like crap. You can have self-confidence and be a generally nice person. The problem for us women comes when a man can't seem to make a decision. He has no backbone. He's a complete wimp.
And, inevitably, guys like that end up with women like this:
Women who beat them down...daily. Why? Because overbearing women love guys like this. They deliberately seek them out. But, even worse...these women treat these men like this because they CAN. They make their men change who they are - from who they like to what they do on a day to day basis.
People take offense at the term "you train others how to treat you," but it's true. Whether it's a friend, co-worker, employee, or someone you're dating, the beginning days of your relationship are experimental. A controlling woman pushes a man as far as she can before he puts his foot down. If he lets her walk all over him, in time she loses respect for him...and the treatment gets worse.
Women like that give good women a bad name. These men eventually come to the conclusion that all women are nagging, bossy hags and give up on love altogether. What they don't realize is the problem isn't the women...the problem is the choices they're making.
The problem is that, until each and every one of them grow a pair, they will continue to only attract women who are looking for doormats.
It's just tough the rest of us to watch.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
I see this kind of crap every where I go. Someone gets all jacked up after a date or two and they immediately try to cateogrize their emotions. People feel comfortable with categories. They are comfortable with a status. They want that shiny little badge of honor to proudly display for all to see. Because if they don't get that status or that title, and you are free to do whatever you want, you just might *gasp* find something better.
It's ridiculous. Love is not a freaking contract people. Having an attraction to someone doesn't automatically make them YOURS. It doesn't give you the right to make decisions about their life. You are setting yourself up for failure. And why would you want to control someone else anyway? Is it really all that great to have a puppet, rather than a partner, who is capable of individual thought and actions, separate from your own? Why would you not want someone who challenges you, stimulates you, or encourages your individuality? Where is the growth in being someone else's pretty little pet to display?
Love is an emotion. It is an attraction to another person. It is not a contract. Learn to be capable of loving someone else without any kind of expectations of their returned feelings for you, and your status with them and life becomes a lot easier to navigate. It's not that hard once you learn to individualize yourself and stop projecting your feelings onto others. Love can be a beautiful thing if you just let it happen and enjoy it rather than spend every ounce of your energy worrying about whether you are getting it in return. Self-sustainment takes practice though, and unfortunately the majority of people would rather bounce from person to person in life, letting them fill that void rather than learn how to function as a true individual.
I feel a little better now, so I am going to finish this. This blog wasn't meant to be about committment, it was meant to be about holding back someone from their happiness. Stifling another person. Too many people believe that because someone loves you that means that they are bound to you with a certain set of rules. You are never supposed to find anyone else attractive, or appealing in any way. It just doesn't vibe with me.
I've always told anyone I've ever been with, if they ever wanted anyone else, to go for it and not worry about my feelings. Why? Because I would never want to force anyone to be with me. It just doesn't make any sense. Why would you want to hold someone back from something that could potentially make them happy? That is selfish and unfair. Now this doesn't mean it would be a smooth transition, but I honestly would try to make it as smooth as humanly possible. There is just no reason to hold a grudge against someone else for wanting to move on with their lives.
It happens. It's growth.
Monday, July 6, 2009
However, some have questioned how a God could allow tragic events to happen to good people. Personally, I know of enough bad things happening to good people to question this thing called karma. If the rules of the game are not fair, then why would you want to stick to the rules? I’ve been struggling with this question for years, and now I think I’ve seen enough to take on an honest attempt to answer this question.
Life’s Not Fair
At one time I was an extreme optimist, but life has battered me down enough times to temper this optimism down a bit. I try to balance being an optimist with being a realist, but sometimes I find myself being quite pessimistic. The more that I live and see what life can do to people and what it already has done, sometimes I question the notion of karma, or simply question the goodness in people.
I have a friend who is the most wonderful woman. She's kind, caring, and beautiful. And she's one of the FEW genuinely sweet people left in the world. And more than anything, she wants to start a family of her own. And each time she gets close, it seems like her world is turned upside down and her heart breaks again. And I just want to punch the person in the face who did it. But instead, she smiles, tells them she's happy for them, and cries on the inside. And I'm tired of seeing her hurt. It's not fair.
What about those in life who may not be happy with the cards they've been delt? Maybe they aren't happy where they are in life, but they muddle through each day because people in their life depend on them. They continue to do the right thing by other people, and suck up their misery for the sake of another person's happiness. They pour themselves into some aspect of their life, so they can try to forget that they aren't truly happy with the way their life has turned out...
There are people out there who cheat, steal, lie, and do various other evil things and never so much as bat an eye. And then there are those who sacrifice what would make them happy in life, simply because it's the right thing to do.
I have seen many people who were once good individuals, but the unfairness of life has jaded them and influenced them to be the kind of people that they are now. I do sincerely believe that we all have some inherent good in us, but sometimes it’s difficult to keep that good in us when bad things happen. Sometimes there are events that happen to us that we don’t deserve and can’t control, but we can control how we respond to them.
Why do bad things happen to good people? Because it helps them to see how to make this world a better place. Because that’s what separates the truly good people from those who only think they are good people. Bad things happen to good people because it is a necessary part of making a good person great.
Knowing this is what helps get me through each day.
My mother left my father and immediately moved in with another man. Now this may sound like she left him FOR this other man, but that was simply not the case. No – as with everything else, it couldn’t be that simple. But I’ll leave that for another blog.
For those of you who actually know me, you all know I dealt with some major issues in my past - from losing loved ones to not having a clue of what a normal relationship should look like. And most times I think all of this made me stronger than the average kid, but at the same time, it made me weaker too. I think at that period in my life I needed love more than ever, but I never got it in any way.
Sure. When I was very little my mom was awesome. However, after the divorce, my mother became a mere shadow of the woman she once was. But even before then – I was never my mother’s little girl. I was always her best friend. When I was little there were no hugs and kisses goodnight. No trips to the park or movies. No little moments. I was too busy being the one my mother confided in. Cried to. Lived through and not for.
And then after she moved in with what would one day become my stepfather, things only got worse. But again – that’s another blog in itself.
I learned only one thing from being raised by my mother. I WOULD BECOME THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF HER. I would make sure that my kids knew how much they meant to me and how much I loved them. I wouldn't verbally abuse them or make them feel like they were a burden for simply being there.
My mother thrives on the saying, "You don't appreciate anything we do for you." Bull shit. I appreciated all the times I got to listen to you complain about how your life was nothing like you wanted. If for no other reason that it meant I got to spend time with my mother. But ALL I wanted was some love and affection!!!
I was an only child until I was 14 and my mom had NO CLUE how to show love to me. As a matter of fact, she still doesn't. She'll never learn what it really means to be a good mom. Her window of opportunity slammed shut YEARS AGO. I started moving away from home when I was about eleven years old to stay with my dad. Living with him was the closest thing to what I knew to be a “normal family.” My mom was happy to have me gone too, that is until she’d realize that meant her child support would be cut out. And then she’d come to me crying about how she missed me, and me finally thinking she was going to be a real mom, would move back in. Back then I was too young to realize people don’t change.
And now this woman is claiming that I’ve changed since I got married?? That I no longer want to here about her escapades? That just once it would be nice if my mother called ME to ask how her grandchildren were doing. Or to take ANY sort of interest in MY life.
And then tells me this makes me a bad daughter. The daughter who has been her ONLY friend for YEARS. The one who takes money away from her own family to help her buy Cigarettes. Who buys her sister’s school supplies, pays her mom’s car insurance, and does with out just to be able to help her mom ONE LITTLE BIT MORE.
Well fine, I will give myself the Bad Daughter Award then...
I don't think that making my kids face the wall for doing something wrong is a crime, is it?? Or occasionally popping them on the butt with your hand? If it is, then I am guilty as charged. I was certainly never put in a corner as a child. I got spankings with a belt for not wanting to give my allowance money my dad gave me to my stepdad to buy groceries. And hours of “prayer meetings” from midnight until just before it was time to go to school. Or yelled out because I would wake my mom up to ask her if she’d get up to DRIVE ME TO SCHOOL. Oh, and lets not forget my stepdad throwing me up against a wall or two. And I am the bad mom? *rolling eyes*
I remember visiting my dad often as a young girl; he would ALWAYS hug me, kiss me and tell me he loved me. And don’t get me wrong – my mom said them too. But it always seemed like it was said with another agenda in tow.
I am sure some of you, as my readers, have had some bad experiences in your families as well. I can only imagine the amount of pain that we collectively have dealt with in our lives.
I haven’t spoken to my mother in just over two months now. Well, since the first of May. Long story short, she came over to my house to use the Internet to check to see if a MAN had emailed her, and while there tells me that my sister have her dad (my former stepdad AND drug head I might add) the 80.00s I had paid her to babysit that week. After telling my mom that my sister would not be babysitting for me again if she was going to give her dad the money, my mom got angry with me.
FOR TAKING UP FOR MY SISTER. And has the never to tell me that I’M HATEFUL and that I haven’t been the same person since I got married. To this of course I lose it. I’ve been bottling up so much so long until it just exploded. How dare she? Forget the money I’ve given her over the past 15 years. How about the fact she never comes over to visit with me or my children (when she lives .5 mile away)? Or that she’s there to check her SUGARDADDY.com membership? I could go on and on.To all this she replies that I was mean to her the day of my wedding. Now don’t get me wrong people. I was. I yelled at her. My wedding, for those who don’t know was at 4p in a Saturday. I bought my mom and sister’s dresses. I paid for their dinner at every prewedding event so they wouldn’t be left out. I paid for their flowers. I paid to have my sister’s hair done. And I had all intention of paying for her makeup, as well as my mom’s hair and makeup – but the week of the wedding things came up and I explained I wouldn’t be able to.
The day of my wedding my stylist does my sister’s makeup anyway, without me knowing, along with my mom’s hair. And I have to pay for it. Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have gotten upset, but it was MY WEDDING DAY and I was a nervous wreck. And I yelled at my mom over it. BUT I APOLOGIZED. Then and several times since then.
But the day of this argument all this gets thrown up at me again. And when I bring up the fact that it was my wedding day, and that my own mother wasn’t there until 30 minutes before the wedding, she states “It wasn’t her job to be there for me.” So I look at her and tell her to get the fuck out of my house. Not pretty I know. And honestly, I remember nothing after that. My husband tells me I shoved the door on her foot and cut her toe, but I don’t remember any of it.
But you know what? I don’t feel bad. I mean of course I feel bad for saying that to her and for hurting her foot (and sending her to the hospital according to a text from my sister) but I don’t apologize for my feelings. I’m tired of feeling like a continuance of a cycle that my grandmother started, and that thankfully I’m choosing to end.
I now have a family that will stick by me through thick and thin and would do ANYTHING to make me happy...
I’m tired of wishing for the mother I thought I once had. I’ve only fooling myself at the time, but I really hoped and prayed that her motherly instinct would somehow magically be switched on now that she’s separated from my stepfather. (He of course has been her problem all along – according to her.) I have no idea why I would have thought that after years of her proving otherwise, but I still had the hope of the little girl inside of me.
I have been selfless in my love for my mother. I have cried for hours and days on end over the fact I can't have the relationship that I want with her. Or at least some sort of normal one. And I am finally tired of crying.
I mean what I say. She and my stepfather have screwed me so many times in my life and I am finally stopping it. My life has been more fulfilled in this past year than any other point in my life. I know the people standing by my side now actually love me and with that undying love, I have the strength to face ANYTHING. I have asked God for strength and He brought it to me in the form of tests, trials and loyal friends and family. You do not need to be blood related to have a real family - I have learned that much.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
But since it is not the way our society views love, I need to explain it to you so that you understand.
This man taught me that that the words 'I Love You' can be used for anything, and should be used as often as possible, so that the people around you understand how much you appreciate them. He said that 'I Love You' doesn't have to mean, "I love you and now you can never be with anyone else ever, and are stuck with me for the rest of my life, and have to look at me everyday, and put up with all my bull shit, and marry me, and cook my dinner, and have my children, and clean my house, and wash my laundry, and take care of me when I'm old."
In fact, he thought that this was the silliest thing that "I love you" should mean.
Then he turned to me and he said, "I love you for driving me home. I love you for spending hours with me talking about Buddha. I love you for watching EARTH with me. I love you for laughing with me. I love you for having coffee with me. I love you for waking up in my arms.
I love you because you have chocolate on the side of your mouth. I love you because I know what color underwear you have on. And I really really love you because we went to Waffle House and had such a wonderful time eating hashbrowns and talking about nonsense."
This was completely new to me. My parents divorced when I was young, and neither were lovey-dovey affectionate couples with their new spouses. Don’t get me wrong. I knew my parents loved me, but they did nothing to teach me about displaying love. And they surely didn't teach me anything about being in a normal relationship.
I read once that we use 'I Love You' much too often in our society. We throw it away as if it's not important. We say, "Yeah, okay, I love you, bye!" each time we get off the phone, and thus 'I love you' has now become linked with good-byes. Instead of what 'I love you' should really mean, which is something to the effect of, "I cherish you, and I really appreciate having you in my life."
The article concluded that we shouldn't throw away our 'I love yous’ at the end of phone calls - we should find deep and meaningful moments to tell the people we love that we truly sincerely do love them.
Hmmm. I tucked that article away in my mind to think about as time went on.
And then I lost one of the people in my life that I had loved the most. We had split up countless times (always from me being the immature-girl-trying-to-pretend-to-be-a-woman that I was at the time), and one day we had gone to this restaurant (whose name fails me at the moment) to discuss his most recent need to forgive me AGAIN. On this particular day, he listened to me tell him how utterly wrong HE was and how I was so completely right in my latest argument; I told him what I needed to him to do to make ME better. And when I thought I had done all I could, he took me back to my car.
I got out of my car, and he yelled, "HEY!" to get my attention. But instead of stopping to listen, I poked my head back into his car, and I said, “I hate you for not understanding.”
I HATE YOU.
These were the last words I ever spoke to him face to face.
This to I man I had shared so many memories with. I didn't find a meaningful moment to look into his eyes and tell him how much I loved him. I didn't say, “I’m sorry.” The simplest statement. The one that I needed to say - and I was too stubborn. I said, “I hate you." He said okay, nodded and I watched him drive away.
And a moment didn't pass…my pride did.
This is what I didn't say:
I love you because we both love Crab Cakes.
I love that I had someone to eat lunch with.
I love that you understand how badly I wanted to chase life.
I love that you understand what I'm saying even when I stumble over my words and struggle to get my point across.
I love you because you pick me up when I was down - and never expected anything in return.
I love that you call me in the middle of the night when you're upset and I am the one voice in the world that you need to hear.
I love that in the middle of a crowded restaurant you let me climb into the booth with you and put my arms around you.
I love you because you always put your arms around me when I needed it.
I love you because you write me letters everyday and you mail them all to me.
I love you because you think it's cute when I'm clumsy.
I love you because you weren't frustrated with the waitress when she forgot about us.
I love you because when I’m cold you always let me wear you sweater from Ireland.
I resolved that I shall never make that mistake again.
This has proven more challenging than I imagined. It has forced me to be creative and sneaky with my 'I love yous.
To my casual friends I usually find a moment when we are giggly and say, "Oh that's so funny, I love you so much because you are just so fun to be around!"
When getting gifts I tend to say, "Oh thank you so much! I love you for thinking of me! That's really so sweet of you, it means so much to me!"
Guy friends are a bit easier because I can always just say, "Oh honey, I love you because your such a fing goofball." And then they know I love them, but they aren't scared off thinking I want to have their babies.
My few friends that I am very close with and my family are use to my sentimental ramblings. They know I love them and they know why. Usually it's something like, "Thank you. I love you so much for going through this with me. I really am so lucky I have you." Sometimes its, "I love you so much, I absolutely realize that you are the only one that puts up with my craziness."
I rather enjoy the ones that go, "Oh God! I love you soooo much because you know me so well!!!"
Our conversations usually end with, "Okay well I love you very much. Thank you for taking this time to let me vent - it means a lot to me." Then I can rest easy knowing that if I never see them again, they know how much they meant to me. Or that I'm just a sappy schmuck that goes all gooey when anyone pays the littlest bit of attention to me.
I don't really care either way what they think. It's only important to me that they know, that those moments have had a profound impact on me. Because I know how life feels without those moments.
I know how life feels with out someone to go to lunch with.
Without someone to listen to my bullshit.
Without someone who thinks it's funny when I get chocolate on my face.
Without someone who puts their arms around me.
Without someone who makes me laugh or does ridiculous goofball things.
Without someone who buys me gifts or knows me so well.
Without someone to watch TV with, go to the movies with or who thinks its endearing when I break things or trip.
Without someone who wants to hear my voice and is so excited to tell me things.
Without someone that calls to make sure I'm ok.
Without some to go shoe shopping with because that REALLY just isn't as much fun all alone.
I know how that feels - and I don't want to ever feel that way about anyone in my life again.
Whatever you do, and whoever you are - don’t miss the opportunities to tell the ones you love, that, well, you do. They may not be there when you decide you’re finally ready to let your guard down.
It's Not Easy Dating Me
- by All the Men Trudy Has Loved
The first thing you notice about Trudy is that she appears to have it all together. She's the one everyone comes to for advice; but what no one really realizes is, deep down, she is just as lost as everyone else. Trudy comes across at first as a pretty tough cookie. She is sweet, sarcastic, and has loads of energy. She can't wait to do fun things and is always coming up with new and interesting idea. The only problem with that tough cookie exterior is she keeps lots of things to herself. You think you know her.
But you don't.
She's an odd combination. She likes to think she's not an introvert, but her heart can cause her to go deep inside herself and not let anyone in. It's very rare she lets anyone ever really get to know her. I'm pretty sure no one ever has. If someone really got inside, they might be able to hurt her...so she keeps the world at a distance.
Trudy most days is a mess and what’s worse is she knows it. She tells you straight up from the beginning that the only thing she has ever done consistently is make the wrong decisions. When you talk to her though you know there is more to her than this hard front she puts up. She cares so much that she has to hide behind her shell. She cries easily but you don’t want to be the person that makes her shed tears. Trudy doesn’t forgive easily.
A lot of people have hurt her and she doesn’t trust easily. It’s hard to get to know Trudy all at one time...when you learn the big stuff it will probably be out of the blue and inconsistently. One minute everything is fine and the next you are learning of some deep childhood trauma and the really weird thing is she doesn’t want to talk about it….she just wants to tell you, she wants you hear what happened so you can know her.
Trudy procrastinates with the best of them and about everything. Things that most people think are just daily chores are things she finds insignificant and doesn’t have the time for. I can almost guarantee that if she lived alone the laundry would never get folded; clean but not folded.
But then there's this extroverted side of Trudy that longs for attention. That's the side that gets a guy in trouble. Trudy will often go hours without saying a word while her resentment builds and builds. Then suddenly she explodes. You see, it's not that she just suffers...she wants the world to know she suffers. Particularly the man she's with. Ninety percent of everything she gets upset has something to do with attention.
She likes to talk but if you can’t hold a conversation she gets bored and wanders off. She needs someone who can challenge her intellectually and has a very low tolerance for childishness and needless drama. She hates to argue but if you ever decide you need to argue you had better bring facts and not feelings because she will rip you to shreds with logic even if she cries later about the emotional stuff.
If there's one thing Trudy doesn't like, it's being invisible. Especially to the man she loves. When life's many distractions cause a man to neglect her for any period of time, she begins to feel taken for granted. Eventually she gives up on trying to get his attention and retreats back into herself - or worse, someone else.
On the flip side of all of that, Trudy is a strong, spirited, loving partner. Despite what was mentioned above, she is a very independent person. Almost too independent at times. It seems she WANTS attention, she just doesn't NEED it. She fears if anyone puts too much of a spotlight on her, he will see her flaws. So as soon as she's in that spotlight, she deflects it. It's a frustrating contrast...most of the time a man has no idea how to respond to any of it.
What's it like to live with her? Oh hell...don't make her mad. She has this short temper that she claims she has fixed, yet the silent treatment creeps up on you, and then BAM... she screams and everything might suddenly be your fault even if it really isn't. But, there's really only certain things in particular that set her off...you just probably won't know what they are until it's too late.
Speaking of what's wrong... The word "nothing" is her favorite response to that... Her second favorite would be "I'm fine." And if you just drop it after she says "nothing" a time or two, nothing will ever get solved. Trust me, something is wrong with her. She just wants you to act like you care and keep bugging her to get it out of her.
Trudy will never come out and tell you what she wants or ask you for anything, which can be frustrating. If her back hurts, she'll whine about her back hurting a little and let herself be miserable instead of simply asking for a massage. If she doesn't have money for a bill to get it paid on time, she won't ask you for it. No, instead she'll whine a little about not having the money and stay stressed out til she comes up with it on her own.
On an easier note, the number one way to her heart is words. (Well, that and really really good sex...) Although you can't use just any old line with Trudy, the right words can put you in her heart forever. Her favorite thing in the whole world are cards - of the handwritten type. There is nothing more sweeter to her than little notes left here and there.
All in all, she's definately a hard one to figure out. But aren't we all, when we really look at ourselves? She's a great girl, with great ideas...she just probably won't share them with you. She thinks most people really aren't worth her time or energy...and many don't prove her wrong...
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Put gas in the car?
Don't think you need to much, 'cause you ain't gonna get that far...
Did you pack the good times?
Don't forget a map,
Just incase the route you take isn't there to take you back.
You can hold any girl that you like.
Fall in love when it's easy at night.
But, you'll wake up wondering why she ain't ever something better...
When you're lost and run out of road
Follow what I already know
In the end closer's all there is
But you won't find this
There's once in a lifetime,
And there's once in a while.
And the difference between the two is about a million miles
Oh, you might get lucky while the moon is looking up
But in the truth of the morning, the stars will be long gone
You can hold any girl that you like
Fall in love when it's easy at night
But, you'll wake up wondering why she ain't ever something better
When you're lost and run out of road
Follow what I already know
In the end closer's all there is
Oh, in the end it's me you're going to miss
'Cause you won't find thisOh, you won't find this
Love is knowing someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly be who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. They are someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When you're two balloons, and together your direction is up, chances are you’ve found the right person. Love is being with someone who makes life come to life.
The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in. I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person. Love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of. Love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.
Love is just another word until someone comes along and gives it meaning. You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel. You can spend your whole life running and running, trying to be something that has never really been you. And all you've done is go farther and farther away from what was really home. Don't love someone because they love you - love them because you do.
You can't make someone love you, no more than you can make yourself love someone. It is what it is.
If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough. No about of excuses, alcohol, lies, etc can change that. Tell me the type of person who loves you, and I'll show you the type of person you are. Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing. It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.
Your body needs to be held and to hold, to be touched and to touch. None of these needs is to be despised, denied, or repressed. But you have to keep searching for your body's deeper need, the need for genuine love. Every time you are able to go beyond the world's superficial lables for love, you are bringing your body home.
Love does not die easily. It is a living thing. It thrives in the face of all of life's hazards, except one -- neglect. In romantic love you want the other person. In real love you want the other person's good. Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. Let yourself be drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love.
2. I don't mind if you judge me because of my Facebook/Google/Blog page. It actually just makes my job of realizing I don't want to be friends with you that much easier.
3. I saw my first hero at 8, and I knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my life at that point. It just took me time to see it.
4. I can always find something better to do with my free time than television.
5. Astrology isn’t real, it’s another thing made up to give people something to have faith and hope in besides reality. Which is fine and I won’t judge you if you want to have hope in a fairy tale, just don’t expect me to.
6. Most people - even beautiful/hot/sexy/etc people - do not turn me on. They actually provide no stimulation and are very boring to me. Also I feel insulted when they pretend they like me and expect me to believe them.
7. I don't own a hat.
8. I think people that say “my mind is made up and cannot be changed” are beyond ignorant - that’s complete stupidity.
9. I have no tolerance for people, especially women, that can't take a compliment.
10. I live my life with my cards facing the opposite direction so everyone at the table can see them. If they can see my cards then it allows them to make fair decisions concerning me. If you know my motives, then life is much simpler for both of us. Also if this causes me to miss out on something, then its for the best because it would have been something acquired under false pretenses.
11. I didn’t have sex until my first husband. I wanted to save something sacred for the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. (If you are reading this and are doing the same thing, don’t. It’s dumb -have lots of sex with random people before you are married.)
12. Speaking of sex, I know that I have a physical, mental and emotional understanding of the act that most do not. I think that's why I can discuss it without blushing.
13. I like to think I am fair at all times, even when I deserve to not be.
14. I might sound like an a-hole in my blogs, but I am probably the nicest person you will ever meet. I just don’t put up with crap from anyone. I’m firm with my boundaries and always speak my mind in a straight to the point kind of way.
15. I think suppression is the root of unhappiness. I don’t put myself in situations where I have to suppress how I feel. I don’t like who I am when I do that.
16. I was married from 17 to 20 to a man that does not possess the ability to be happy in any area of his life. It just took me 3 years to figure that out.
17. I am very self aware. I spend time studying myself on a regular basis - keeping myself in check. I understand why I think the way I do and why I make the decisions I make.
18. I try to stay in a state of happiness and I refuse to let anyone else impact that.
19. I have 1 sister, who is my complete and utter opposite.
20. I thrive on and require passion with any area of my life. This is sometimes a great quality, however sometimes makes it hard for me to be satisfied with anything but excellence.
21. I love how a man looks in a button up shirt and usually expect Mike to wear one when we go out. (PS. I communicate this expectation. I don’t expect it and then get disappointed when he doesn’t magically know that’s what I want. Sound familiar?)
22. I don't believe in giving anyone I have dated more than 40% effort. The other 60% should be reserved for whatever person you end up with.
23. When I was in second grade I read an entire 26-book set of encyclopedias for "fun." This is probably why boys only wanted to be friends with me.
24. I am addicted to random acts of kindness, whether monetary or acts of service.
25. I like my steak rare. Very rare.
26. I haven’t stolen anything since I was 7. I stole a bottle of fingernail polish from the local drugstore, WITH money in my pocket. And I cried when I got home because I felt guilty.
27. I think people that fight on a regular basis are embarrassing. Once you get past 17 you should use your mind to resolve disputes and fists as a last resort.
28. I challenge everyone I meet. If they can’t handle it then I don’t become friends with them. I’m not going to become friends with someone that expects me to bite my tongue on their bullshit. It’s simple.
29. I am a romantic but I rarely show it.
30. I think the single sexiest thing a man can do it write. Period.
31. Find one person that says I won’t give them the shirt off my back and I will be shocked.
32. Fate is bullshit. I am going to put 27 purple sheep in the back of a Uhaul and drive it off a bridge while singing nursery rhymes. Did someone put that in the plan 4,000 years ago? Uhm no.
33. If I had to live on a budget I would be homeless.
34. Sometimes I am too overconfident in my opinions and don’t listen to other people’s thoughts. This is something I struggle with daily, but realize it and TRY to work on it as well.
35. I don’t remember ever seriously making fun of anyone.
36. I am a woman and believe in gender roles. I don't pay for things. I think the man should take care of things. I follow with input, that’s how it works. That’s my job. I'd much rather be barefoot and baking an apply pie when you come home from work.
37. I love Ritz Toasted Crackers - but I forget to buy them.
38. I wear cute panties AND grannies! Not at the same time of course. But I know when to wear each.
39. I love my running shoes. They make all the difference in the comfort of my day.
40. A man that can communicate clearly is more attractive to me than a man with a perfect body. I will trade 15 pounds for rational conversation and thinking any day.
41. Everyone starts out with a clean slate with me - that is until you blow it. Then, no matter how much it hurts, I WILL cut you off.
42. My feelings are hurt VERY easily. But you will never know when you do it.
43. My best friends are 5 of the most fabulous people in the world. They've all came into my life within the past 5 years, yet know me better than anyone. They know my WORST and BEST secrets.
44. My favorite man movie is "300." My favorite girl movie is "Runaway Bride." My all time fav movies are "Pulp Fiction, The Kill Bills, The Notebook, and Tombstone."
45. I have an uncanny ability to make people feel comfortable and open around me.
46. Soul mate’s aren’t real. If you think that there is one person born on this earth specifically to be with you please email me so I can pry the Hallmark rewards card from your hands.
47. My favorite mixed drink is Malibu & Diet (mixed 80/20).
48. I don’t like sleeping in, but I do it often thanks to my work schedule.
49. I love to cook. It’s hands down my favorite thing to do. But not the dishes.
50. My favorite question is why. I ask myself why daily and ask others why just as much. Why will change surface level conversation to stimulating conversation. Ask why until it makes logical proof, all the way down to the root. It’s a good exercise.
51. I love women. I love the way they smell, feel, sound, look, breathe, laugh, talk, smile, blink, walk, run, sleep, drink, eat, cough, sneeze, everything about them. BUT I am not a lesbian. I just think we're way more enticing than a man.
52. The man I love the most is my Daddy.
53. I am burned out on going out.
54. How people interpret or perceive what you believe or the decisions you make is not your problem. That shouldn’t play into what is right or wrong for you. You have to be considerate to the ones you love, but should always do what you feel is right.
55. I miss about 3 people who are alive but no longer in my life. Don't get me wrong. There's a reason they're no longer in it - but they brought alot to the table while they were.
56. I am a very competitive person; especially when it’s with myself and my expectations of myself.
57. When I fall in love, it is hard. I hate falling AND heights.
58. I think the only way to grow is to be uncomfortable for a certain period of time while you break out of your comfort zones.
59. One of my top 5 talents is making a good first impression with a person (unless of course they read this blog beforehand - then I’m screwed).
60. Being uncomfortable is a feeling I rarely ever get, unless I am doing something that I know isn’t right.
61. I am not intimidated by people physically bigger or stronger than me.
62. I have compassion for anyone who in the middle of a spouse leaving. Extreme compassion, even strangers.
63. I can easily meet and get close to strangers.
64. There is nothing I hate more than people questioning my motives.
65. I don’t believe in snooping. It can’t lead to anything positive.
66. You only get to live once and it’s pretty short so I don’t like missing out on any opportunities in life.
67. I don’t judge people for being or thinking different than me. But that doesn't mean I'm changing my mind.
68. I don’t remember the last time I let someone know they got the best of me. It's my talent.
69. I can be very insensitive at times, but typically its justified. However the few times that it isn’t justified is very unfair to the other person, and I’m working on it.
70. My favorite wine is Hatteras Red, room temperature.
71. My favorite city is Wilmington. Cut it and it will bleed culture, booze, sex and good food.
72. My favorite dessert is good Cheesecake. No fruit topping, I want to enjoy every single ounce of fluffy cheesy perfection without any taste bud distractions.
73. When I was 6 I scored in the top 6 percentile of national IQ tests. I could finish English tests in less than 5 minutes - the same ones that took my classmates 30 minutes to finish.
74. I didn't graduate high school. I was taking all Advanced Placement classes and QUIT. To get married. Ah the things we do for love. I didn’t get to walk with my class at graduation and that hurts to this day.
75. When I find a pair of shoes that fit perfect and I like the way they look, I do a happy dance in the middle of the store.
76. I am just now starting to realize how fantastic "good jeans" are.
77. I have yet to meet a person that will take me at face value and not underestimate me. It would make life so much easier if they did.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Did your boyfriend/girlfriend just split up with you?
Are you finally dumping that son of a biscuit eater, who always makes you cry?
Is it time (been time) to get the hello out of a realtionship?
But wait! You can't handle it. You are going to sit around and cry and boohoo because you LOVEEEE him/her. Well shut up and do me a favor.
Here is the very first step in healing from a broken heart.
GET BACK TO YOU! IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU AGAIN! Wait. Let me say this one more time. IT IS YOU YOU YOU that is the main concern now. First. I want you to sit your stupid self down and write a list. Two lists actually. On one side of the paper I want you to write down all the good things of the relationship. The other write down all the bad. Now look at it.
The good should be much longer than the bad.. if its not...that is Step One to realize...this relationship was more like a bad friendship. With on occasional sex. Second.
Give yourself 3 days to just cry about it. And please. Don't involve your friends. They don't really want to hear it. I mean seriously. They knew this was coming. EVERYONE knew this was coming. If you want to trash him...get a picture...and stab the hello out of it. Take your frustations out on the portrait. Not out on your friends.
Yes, you can call the one friend and vent. I am not saying don't talk to your friends about it, but dont make that the only topic of conversation. It gets old and it gets old quick. You know I am right. How many times have you had a friend cry on your shoulder and all you could think was... "Damn this chick needs to get over this mess and QUICK!
Yes I have been the friend that has cried, bitched and moaned about losing my realtionship. Looking back I know what a fool I was and how annoying it was to my friends. They just want to have a good time in life. They want YOU to have a good time. So give them a quick spill what went down and move on. After you had your 3 day bawl-baby session, its time to dry it up sister...
First you call one of your good friends, that you hopefully didn't annoy the hell out of with your moping to them.. and you say. "Listen girl, me and you are GOING OUT" Make a date with your friend! Then once that is set..I want you to look in the mirror. And tell that cry baby LOSER needing that @sshole GOODBYE...
You go get your hair cut...hair dided...hair dyed. Whatever. CHANGE YOUR LOOK! Oh you are broke? Well go to the Hair by Taneisha. Just change it up! Go get a new outfit! Something a little more revealing than usual. Now if you are a big boy or girl.. simmer down there.. you dont want everything hanging out. But dress in something new and cute!! Still broke? Go to the damn Thrift store if you have too. Just get something new.
Men and woman..both.. get a manicure. Have your nails looking nice. Go to a tanning bed.. Even if your @ss is scared of the cancer. Just 5 minutes in there will give you the world of color. After you got all this done.. You go home...get ready...and once you are looking your best.. and oh so FAB...Just stand there and look at yourself in the mirror. Admire the NEW you. The free you. The you that is gonna be YOU again.
While your looking at yourself, promise yourself one thing for that night. Promise yourself that you this evening is free of all worries. Free of all past. Free of anything standing in your way of moving on. Allow yourself just ONE night of that. You can cry again tomorrow. Now go out with your friend and have a great time. Just remember. You promised yourself that one night for just you. Remember.. You can go back to your pitiful pitty party tomorrow.
YOU MUST ALLOW YOURSELF THIS NIGHT OF FREEDOM.
Then the next day. When you are sad again, I want you to think back to your night. How great you looked. How good you felt. How much fun you had. And that should be enough to let you know that you will make it.
You will survive.
You will move on.
YES you are going to be alright.
AND FOR GOD SAKES...DO NOT CALL/STALK/EMAIL/TEXT/RIDE BY/EVEN THINK OF HIM/HER! THAT IS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU CAN MAKE. FIND SOMEONE ELSE!
THERE ARE TOO MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE.
LET THEM MISS YOU. WHAT THEY DIDN'T KEEP CAN BE THEIR REGRET.
DON'T LET IT BE YOURS.