Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Love Isn't a Contract

Tonight I was talking to a friend of mine and he was telling me all about these two girls he is dating. One is very cool and aloof and the other is head over heels in love with him and is demanding a "status." She started pressuring him straight out of the gate to be her "boyfriend", despite his very clearly made wishes to keep it casual and friendly. Now this girl isn't a child, or helpless, or desperate. In fact, she is a very successful and attractive girl who could probably get that "status" she so desperately desires from my friend from any number of males without even trying. Yet she pines for him - the one who just wants to maintain having his own life and his own space.

I see this kind of crap every where I go. Someone gets all jacked up after a date or two and they immediately try to cateogrize their emotions. People feel comfortable with categories. They are comfortable with a status. They want that shiny little badge of honor to proudly display for all to see. Because if they don't get that status or that title, and you are free to do whatever you want, you just might *gasp* find something better.

It's ridiculous. Love is not a freaking contract people. Having an attraction to someone doesn't automatically make them YOURS. It doesn't give you the right to make decisions about their life. You are setting yourself up for failure. And why would you want to control someone else anyway? Is it really all that great to have a puppet, rather than a partner, who is capable of individual thought and actions, separate from your own? Why would you not want someone who challenges you, stimulates you, or encourages your individuality? Where is the growth in being someone else's pretty little pet to display?

Love is an emotion. It is an attraction to another person. It is not a contract. Learn to be capable of loving someone else without any kind of expectations of their returned feelings for you, and your status with them and life becomes a lot easier to navigate. It's not that hard once you learn to individualize yourself and stop projecting your feelings onto others. Love can be a beautiful thing if you just let it happen and enjoy it rather than spend every ounce of your energy worrying about whether you are getting it in return. Self-sustainment takes practice though, and unfortunately the majority of people would rather bounce from person to person in life, letting them fill that void rather than learn how to function as a true individual.

I feel a little better now, so I am going to finish this. This blog wasn't meant to be about committment, it was meant to be about holding back someone from their happiness. Stifling another person. Too many people believe that because someone loves you that means that they are bound to you with a certain set of rules. You are never supposed to find anyone else attractive, or appealing in any way. It just doesn't vibe with me.

I've always told anyone I've ever been with, if they ever wanted anyone else, to go for it and not worry about my feelings. Why? Because I would never want to force anyone to be with me. It just doesn't make any sense. Why would you want to hold someone back from something that could potentially make them happy? That is selfish and unfair. Now this doesn't mean it would be a smooth transition, but I honestly would try to make it as smooth as humanly possible. There is just no reason to hold a grudge against someone else for wanting to move on with their lives.

It happens. It's growth.

1 comment:

**şeym@** said...

great thoughts, Trudy!!! i've just fallen for them. you've said everything to be said about love and i can't add anything cause it would spoil yr writing.

if a boyfriend is not in the right place at the right time, then you should let him go. that's what i believe in. and a person should be able to move on with his/her life with preparing him/herself for anything in life and in relationship! you should be strong enough to face everything...

love