Saturday, July 11, 2009

The Truth About Sex and Women

Men, before you read this, go get a pencil and a piece of paper. Seriously. You'll want to take notes on this one.

*ahem* So let's talk about SEX. Those three little letters that are at the bottom of just about everything that humans do. Even the prudes must admit that sex determines a lot in their lives. Sex is what drives men to do anything that involves a woman. Sex is what women use to accomplish things. Sex is what we all love and enjoy, but (for some) rarely talk about.

So yay for sex and vaginas and penises. Let's all roll around and be happy.


Uhhhh, let's not. First of all, 90% of men are doing it wrong. Yea, that's right---I SAID IT. Most men don't give women what they really want. Truth be told, women like to be man-handled just as much as men like to do the man-handling. They just don't talk about it. Well, at least not to YOU. They talk about it to each other, but they will never admit it to the person they are sleeping with.

Why?

Because it's awkward and messy and too risky. So women just deal with the average sex to get to the rest of you. So what do women really want? We want movie sex. We want to be thrown against the wall, attacked, roughed up a little bit, ie. 9 and a Half Weeks. Look, when a guy goes crazy on you, I mean, like CRAZY, breathing hard and tearing at your clothes like he's going to absolutely DIE if he doesn't have you in the next 5 seconds, it makes us feel powerful.

And if anyone understands how much of an aphrodisiac power is, it's men, right? Knowing that you want us so bad you just can't wait another second makes us feel sexy, and making a woman feel sexy is half the battle, guys.

Are you getting all this down?

Now, I know there are the prude girls who will probably read this blog that go something like this, "Well, I like it when my man romances me, gets me in the mood slowly, lights a candle, puts on some Jewel, blahblahblah."

Gag me. Get the hello off my blog. Go read someone else crappy lies. I like to keep it real over here. That mess might be fun once in a blule moon, perhaps on an anniversary here and there, but for everyday, that is just annoying.

Be with her like she is the sexiest woman on Earth - like you absolutely cannot stand to be in the same room with her and not be naked - like everything she does in bed makes you crazy, and you will have a HAPPY woman. And you will get laid. A lot.

Ladies? What do you think? Here is your chance to speak up. I'm a chick. I talk. A lot. One of my bffs, Eli, knows things about me that no man does, or ever will. And you know what? Every girl has that person that she discusses this with. And sweet, romantic, slow sex might get you brownie points, but crazy, rough, porn star sex will get you sooooo much more.

That is the kind of sex that makes her sit at her desk the next day grinning from ear to ear and using every bit of her strength to not text you to come to her right that second and do it again. That is the kind of sex that we can't wait to tell our friends about. That is the kind of sex that will get you bragged on for days. So give it to her. Be original. Get creative. Get dirty. Don't be scared. Just try it.

Now, for those of you that are in one of those pesky relationships...you'll have to handle this tactfully. If you just attack her the next time you see her, she will wonder what changed. So ask her. Just say "Hey let's get drunk and play like porn stars tonight." (Or whatever way you talk to her) That little princess that cooks for you and folds your laundry and giggles at dirty words can turn into Pamela Anderson on Ecstasy if you give her the option. You can tell her all day long that she makes the best Spaghetti on Earth, but the minute you tell her that she ***** you better than anyone else ever has, you will automatically improve your life ten-fold.

The more you tell her how good she is, especially DURING the act, the more comfortable and experimental she will get. So speak up, boys. Don't be shy.... Just go crazy on her. Every girl has it deep down in her somewhere, but she will never willingly bring it out. That is entirely up to you.

Let me repeat: YOU HAVE TO BRING THE FREAK OUT OF HER!!!

Look, everyone knows that guys like freaks in the bedroom. But we girls get scared to be that way because we don't want to be put into the "freak" category straight out of the gate. And we don't want to freak YOU out or scare you. Especially right off the bat. So most of the time, we just go along with whatever you do. So if you want the freak to come out, and you want to lay there out of breath and wondering why the room is spinning when you haven't even had a drink, take my advice. Seriously.

Talk to her, see how she responds. Ask her about her fantasies. Tell her the things you want to do to her and then DO THEM. Trust me. You will be greatly rewarded. (If you need some inspiration, go listen to Closer by NIN. OMG. )

This has been my public service announcement for today. Go, my little dears, and have FUN with it!

1 comment:

**şeym@** said...

girl, you spoke it out loud:):):):) -lol- that's god damn true!!!! that's very brave of you actually... i really love yr thoughts and observations ^-^